


my ghosts don't shine so bright in the sun

by endlesspossibilities



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Death, F/F, Fluff, Suicide, but not clexa angst, but that's all in the past, minor octaven
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-21
Updated: 2016-11-27
Packaged: 2018-05-28 06:45:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 22,195
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6318802
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/endlesspossibilities/pseuds/endlesspossibilities
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Two years ago, life overwhelmed Clarke and she left. Now she's back and she brought a visitor with her. Together, they face her ghosts and prove that she can overcome them.</p><p> "Clarke looks out the window and swallows hard. She knew it would be difficult to come back here, but looking at the pear tree in the front yard and the wind chime she once broke swinging on the porch, it all floods back. Every reason of why she shouldn’t have come. Every reason that kept her away for two whole years once again bursting forward, and it’s almost too much. She wants to start the car and drive away, to keep driving till she’s back at her own, untainted apartment. But there’s a hand on her cheek and another in her hand and they’re so gentle."</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. coming back

A voice coming over the intercom makes Clarke tense in her seat. She lifts the window blinds and sees a familiar view of the D.C skyline as the pilot announces her descent. It’s a view she hadn’t seen in awhile and a view that makes her tense up immediately. Her hands flex over the armrests and her breath shortens until she feels the soft touch of a hand on her own. She allows the touch to grow and relax her as she breaks from her thoughts.

“Hey, it’s okay… You know we don’t have to do this if you don’t want to,” a calm, reassuring voice says and Clarke allows herself to untense again. She looks over at the brunette next to her, whose eyes hold nothing but love and concern, and she smiles softly. This beautiful, kind woman is the reason she is back here again, and the reason Clarke knows everything will be fine.

“No, I’m good. Nervous, but good. I want to be here, besides I think Octavia would murder me if I backed out now,” Clarke rolls eyes and squeezes the slender hand in her own.

“From your stories? I have no doubt,” the brunette teases, but then leans in to softly kiss Clarke’s cheek, “I was just making sure. I love you, it’s kinda my job.”

“I love you too, Lexa, and that’s why I’m ready,” Clarke reaches up with her free hand to tuck some of the curly chestnut locks behind her lover's ear. They smile at each other softly, before turning to put a few items into their carry-on bags. The plane lands smoothly and soon Clarke is being pushed out into a crowded terminal, her mind still adjusting to the once familiar surroundings. Only Lexa’s hand in her own keeps her grounded as they grab their bags and head toward the passenger pickup area. Raven and Octavia were set to meet them and drive back to Clarke’s childhood home. It’s a loud yell from Raven that finally makes Clarke snap back to reality,

“Hey, Griffin! Over here!” Raven yells from beside her jeep while Octavia waves with both hands. Clarke can’t help the smile that breaks over her face at the sight of her two best friends. They rush out to meet her, and Lexa takes the bags from her hands so nothing impedes the crushing hugs she receives from them both.

“Oh my gosh, I’ve missed y’all,” Clarke laughs and tries to brush away any stray tears. Octavia and Raven have been her constant companions since middle school and it had been far too long since they’ve seen each other in person.

“And you must be the mysterious Lexa Woods,” Octavia raises an eyebrow at the brunette who had been standing contently watching Clarke reunite.

“Oh! Yes, guys, this is Lexa, and Lexa this is Octavia and Raven,” Clarke gestures to them both, even though Lexa could easily identify them from the many pictures on their walls and tables.

“Hi, nice to finally meet you,” Lexa goes for the handshake before remembering she was carrying both her and Clarke’s bags.

“Whoops, let’s put those away and then we have the whole car ride to grill you,” Raven winks and takes one bag to the back of her car. They quickly put everything in the back and clamber into it, before they set off in a route Clarke has memorized.

“So, Lexa, I want to know,” Raven cuts Octavia off with a cough, “sorry, WE want to know everything about you. Where are you from? What do you do? How did you manage to tame Clarke? Everything,” Octavia leans onto the middle console to stare at the now fidgeting brunette. Clarke just rolls her eyes and runs a thumb across the back of Lexa’s knuckles to calm her.

“Well, I’m co-owner of a social company that sells organic materials to larger corporations. I’m from Boston, but I’ve lived in Portland for many years. I have one sister, Anya, who’s currently taking care of my dog, Gus. And I have not yet figured out how to tame Clarke, merely how to love her,” Lexa explains quickly and finishes with a soft kiss to the blonde’s hand.

“Oh gross, you’re one of those couples, aren’t you?” Raven glares into the rearview mirror.

“Completely,” Clarke replies with a grin directed at Lexa.

“But, Clarke, we always make fun of that couple,” Octavia points out with a huff as she turns back around to change the radio station. She is feigning annoyance now but blushes slightly when a small smirk is sent in her direction by the woman driving. Luckily, Clarke is oblivious to all but the blushing brunette by her side.

“I just can’t help it, O. Lexa is too cute,” Clarke teases and receives a grumble from Lexa that sounds suspiciously like “too badass to be cute”. The grumbling comes to a stop with the car as Raven pulls up to a Victorian style house with two cars in the driveway.

“We’re here,” Raven says as if they didn’t all know. Suddenly the air is once again tense, and they all spare a glance at Clarke whose eyes say she’s far away again. Raven and Octavia get out of the car and walk around to the back, leaving the couple to gather their thoughts before they have to enter the house. Clarke looks out the window and swallows hard. She knew it would be difficult to come back here, but looking at the pear tree in the front yard and the wind chime she once broke swinging on the porch, it all floods back. Every reason of why she shouldn’t have come. Every reason that kept her away for two whole years once again bursting forward, and it’s almost too much. She wants to start the car and drive away, to keep driving till she’s back in her own untainted apartment. But there’s a hand on her cheek and another in her hand and they’re so gentle. Lexa wipes away a tear and leans forward to kiss Clarke’s forehead. She loves her, despite every dark memory in her head, so it pains her when they come to the surface.

“You’re okay. I’m here. I love you. Raven and Octavia have missed you. You are strong, you are strong, you are strong,” Lexa chants to her until Clarke nods in acknowledgement.

“Thank you. I’m sorry I keep going back there,” Clarke sighs and shakes her head. Lexa pulls her up by the chin though and places a soft kiss on her lips. Clarke melts at the touch and lets her shoulders down.

“Never be sorry, my love. I am here for you no matter what,” Lexa murmurs quietly and then pulls back to open the door. Raven and Octavia are at the door, waiting patiently to knock. Clarke follows Lexa’s leading hand and stops in front of the door, too. She rings the doorbell and it’s only seconds till the door swings open and reveals her mother. Abby rushes out and immediately pulls her daughter in for a hug. Clarke wraps her arms around her mom and lets herself be squeezed tightly. It has been two years.

“Oh, Clarke. You’re here,” Abby sighs and pulls back eventually with a watery smile. She takes in every inch of her daughter. Her hair is longer, she has a slight tan and there’s a fullness to her cheeks compared to the gauntness from their last encounter. She looks healthy and while Abby is sad that she missed so much, she’s happy to know that.

“I’m here, Mom,” Clarke nods with a small smile. She glances over to Lexa who is again waiting so patiently to be introduced. Her heart threatens to burst every time she sees the loving look in Lexa’s eyes. She knows how close she came to losing that look a couple times, but Lexa never gave up on her. 

“Mom, this is Lexa, the love of my life,” Clarke introduces with a wink that makes Lexa blush.

“Hello, Mrs. Griffin,” Lexa sticks out a hand that gets ignored for a hug. Abby didn’t have to know much about the girl to know that she was good for Clarke. The very fact that her daughter was standing in front of her right now told her that.

“Call me, Abby. Everyone does,” she smiles and ushers them all inside. Raven and Octavia quickly make themselves at home on the couch, having spent countless hours here growing up. Lexa simply follows behind Clarke, letting her get used to being back and lending her silent support. It doesn’t stop her from staring at all the old photos on the walls, though. She takes in a laughing little girl with platinum hair and a missing front tooth, sitting next to a sheepish looking boy who obviously adores her. Lexa knows this must be Wells, even without asking. Next to it is a family portrait. Abby with her arms around a tall man who grins widely at the camera with the same little girl in his lap. Clarke stops beside Lexa to look at the picture herself, smiling softly at the faint memory.

“You were loved,” Lexa whispers, “That is easy to see.” Clarke nods, because it’s true. Her dad was her whole world and she was his princess. She could do no wrong until all she did was wrong, but even then he loved her.

“You still are,” Lexa adds with a look around at the proof. Abby is in the kitchen taking out some bread, giving space, Raven and Octavia are trying to not get caught peeking over the top of the couch, and of course, she is beside Clarke.

“I know. It took me awhile to remember it, but I know that now,” Clarke leans into the brunette for only a moment before going to join her mom in the kitchen. It smells of her childhood, warm and inviting and she can’t help the smile on her face when Abby almost knocks over a bottle of olive oil.

“Need help?” Clarke offers as she rights the bottle.

“No, no. It’s all about done, just keeping it warm till Marcus and Bellamy arrive,” Abby waves off the offer and pulls out a chair at the kitchen table to sit at. Lexa and Clarke follow her lead and sit quietly before her. Abby raises her eyebrows at the two expectantly before starting to talk,

“Where did you meet?” Clarke and Lexa share a look before laughing. Their story is a strange one, but one they love to share either way.

“I kinda almost hit her with my car, but there’s a reason!” Lexa begins and Clarke grins at her mom’s shocked face.

“It was late, I was jaywalking and totally in the fault, but that didn’t stop Lexa from freaking out and apologizing a hundred times,” Clarke explains with a shrug and an adoring look, “I swear she was about to call the police on herself till I reminded her that it was actually my fault and getting fined on top of almost going to the hospital didn’t sound fun.”

“I offered to get her a meal instead, she uh… she was thin,” Lexa admits quietly, unsure if Clarke is ready to talk about this yet. Clarke ducks her head slightly before looking her mom in the eye.

“I wasn’t drunk. I know what you might be thinking, but I never relapsed. I came close a couple times, but I promise I’m fine now,” Clarke reaches across the table to grab her mom’s hand. She could see it was hard for Abby to remember everything. How helpless she had felt when she found Clarke passed out on their back porch, more alcohol than a person. They don’t talk about those months often, but it lingers.

“Anyway,” Clarke clears her throat and leans back again, “Lexa bought me Denny’s, gave me a ride home, and in exchange I left my number on her dash. There’s more after that, but that’s how we met.” 

Lexa smiles and wraps an arm around the blonde’s shoulder. There was certainly more, getting to this point wasn’t always easy, but it was worth it and now she’s happier than ever. They’re interrupted from the moment when the front door once again opens and two men walk into the house.

“Bellamy!” Clarke throws herself into a hug. He had been her best friend for years and it pains her to know they hadn’t really talked since she left. She supposes that’s her fault, but she was never ready till now.

“Hey there, princess,” the affectionate nickname rolls off his tongue as they separate. Marcus had walked over to give Abby a kiss on the cheek and was in the middle of shaking Lexa’s hand.

“Bell, I’m so glad to see you. I’ve told Lexa so much about you,” Clarke admits with a grin and tugs him by the elbow farther into the kitchen.

“This is Bellamy, Lex,” Clarke introduces, moving to stand next to the adorably flustered woman. Lexa smiles good-naturedly; it is true, she’s heard much about Bellamy. She knows how important he is to Clarke, which is why she’s surprised when Bellamy seems to grimace at her before faking a grin. It doesn’t reach his eyes. 

“Hi, it’s Lexa, not Lex,” Lexa sends a teasing glare at her love. Clarke just shrugs and waits excitedly for Bellamy to say something.

“Nice to meet you, Lexa. Is that some of Abby’s bread I smell?” He quickly walks around the couple to find the source of the smell, leaving a puzzled Clarke. She shrugs it off when Raven and Octavia join the group in the kitchen and they all start to pile around the table. Abby serves the food family style like she did when they were younger and everyone digs in quickly. Lexa shyly asks Clarke to pass her the salad bowl and Clarke smiles before grabbing it and putting several scoops onto Lexa’s plate careful to avoid the tomatoes she knows Lexa dislikes. Lexa thanks her with a quick kiss on the cheek and passes the chicken plate to the blonde who didn’t have any protein on her plate yet, just bread and mashed potatoes.

“It wouldn’t kill you to eat some of the salad too,” Lexa teases playfully, knowing full well that Clarke would scrunch up her nose at the thought. 

“It’s leaves. Why would I want to eat leaves?” Clarke rolls her eyes, but makes sure to add some broccoli to her plate just to appease her.

“I just want to keep you healthy,” Lexa shrugs and Clarke knows it’s true. Lexa watched her go from skin and bones to healthy and vibrant and had a large hand in making it happen. She thinks back to the nights when Lexa would stubbornly sit in front of the door until Clarke agreed to eat dinner. Clarke sometimes refers to Lexa as her hero, but the brunette is quick to remind her that Clarke did just as much for Lexa. How her job was consuming her, her friends all tired of fighting against her and how Clarke brought back the colorful, fun and adventurous side of Lexa. Clarke is brought out of her memories by Raven’s voice,

“Oh my gosh, guys. There’s something green on Clarke’s plate and it’s not candy,” she gasps dramatically, but there is a small amount of actual surprise at the sight in all of their eyes.

“So she’s always been like this then?” Lexa laughs, while Clarke huffs in annoyance.

“I can eat vegetables.”

“We all can, but you don’t,” Octavia points out, which Abby has to agree to. She’s been fighting that struggle the longest. Even as a baby, Clarke hated mashed peas. Clarke spears her fork through the steamed broccoli and shoves it in her mouth with a large crunch.

“People change,” she grumbles through a full mouth, which Abby raises an eyebrow at, but everyone else just laughs. Well everyone but Bellamy. He’s silently cutting his chicken and mutters slightly.

“What was that, Bell?” Clarke asks with a grin still. She’s swallowed now to Abby’s approval and is curious since Bellamy is usually the first to join in on teasing her.

“Nothing, I just said obviously,” He shrugs and tries to play it off, but Octavia notices the lack of humor in his voice and resolves to ask him about it later. The rest of dinner is full of conversation and laughter while everyone catches up and gets to know Lexa better. Eventually, they move to the living room while Marcus insists on doing the dishes.

Clarke pulls Lexa down in the love seat next to her and curls into her side naturally. They look like they’ve been in this position a million times with Lexa’s arm around her waist and Clarke’s knees in her lap. For a second, Clarke remembers her own parents sharing this chair and the thought makes her tuck her head into Lexa’s shoulder. She feels a kiss on the crown of her head and looks back up to meet Lexa’s striking green eyes. Every time she looks at them, she feels the way they pierce into her. They’re what first drew Clarke to Lexa, the only expressive part of her in the beginning, and now the green feels like coming home.

“Thank you for such a wonderful dinner, Abby,” Lexa tears her gaze away from blue to praise Clarke’s mom. It wasn’t sucking up, but it certainly didn’t hurt.

“Yeah thanks, Momma Griff!” Raven calls from her spot below Octavia at the foot of the couch, she pats her stomach goofily. Bellamy seats himself on the other end of the couch from Octavia and quietly studies the couple across from him, as the group decides which game to play.

“Not Scrabble, trust me. Lexa makes it no fun,” Clarke pokes her on the shoulder.

“I’m sorry my vocabulary is so much larger than yours, Clarke,” Lexa throws back immediately.

“Hey, mine’s not bad for a college dropout,” Clarke defends herself and crosses her arms. Lexa raises her eyebrows and smirks slightly,

“Last time we played you tried to play ‘trikru’ claiming they were people who lived in the trees.” The group misses the story though since they’re all reeling from Clarke casually mentioning how she dropped out. It wasn’t a subject they brought up often.

“How about Cranium? I’ve got the art side and you have the random facts no one cares about,” Clarke says and Lexa just shakes her head but then agrees,

“Cranium would be fun if everyone else agrees.” They all nod and pair off, Octavia and Raven, Bellamy and Marcus, and Abby as a judge. In the past, there were always squabbles about whether or not teams are cheating, so it’s a necessary precaution. As predicted, Clarke and Lexa ace all of the drawing, sculpting, and fact challenges, but Raven and Octavia’s dramatics get them the charade ones and Marcus and Bellamy even get a few. In the end, Clarke and Lexa pull through and Clarke jumps up and hollers, pulling Lexa by the hand who reluctantly joins in the celebration while Raven and Octavia pout.

“You know if we were home and you won, you’d be dancing circles around me,” Clarke points out when she finally lets Lexa sit back down. Lexa blushes at this fact, even if it’s true.

“Lexa’s got a victory dance? Oh, that’s something I have to see,” Octavia perks up at this new fact, suddenly over her defeat. 

“Another day. I think it’s time we went to bed,” Abby smiles as she notices how quickly the time had passed. It was nearing midnight and she assumed the traveling couple would be tired after their cross-country flight.

“Your bed and the guest beds are already made, Clarke, and I can pull out the couch for you, Bellamy,” Abby informs all the younger adults, so they can split off into their sleeping arrangements. There’s a lot of groaning as they all stand, but Abby just shushes them like only a mother can. Clarke stops in front of her and pulls her in for another hug before climbing up the stairs. She had missed her mom, even if she didn’t miss all the memories that accompany her. Raven and Octavia bid her and Lexa goodnight at the top of the stairs, and Raven adds a suggestive wink at the end, which Clarke rolls her eyes at. When Clarke comes back into her room from brushing her teeth, Lexa is walking around looking at the posters, pictures, and trophies lining the walls.

“I didn’t get to decorate my room much as a kid,” Lexa says as Clarke wraps her arms around the slightly taller woman’s waist and rests her chin on her shoulder. She hums a response because she knows. Lexa was a foster kid, so Clarke’s childhood must seem easy in comparison. Which is why they never compare. Lexa knows that just because Clarke had a good home, it doesn’t mean her family was perfect. And Clarke knows that when Lexa says these things, she’s not looking for pity. 

“Is that why you insist on hanging up all of my paintings?” Clarke asks with a lazy kiss on the shoulder. Lexa turns in her embrace to wrap her arms around Clarke’s neck.

“I put your paintings up because they’re beautiful and they remind me of you,” Lexa admits with no hesitation. Clarke’s mouth turns up slightly as she leans in to kiss her lover. 

“Come on, let’s get in bed,” Clarke leads her over to the full-size mattress and they settle under the covers, Lexa’s head coming to rest on her chest and wrapping an arm around her waist lazily. Clarke traces a tattoo on Lexa’s arm by memory and relaxes under her comfortable weight.

“I’m glad we came,” she whispers into the many curls.

“Me too. Your mother is kind, and Raven and Octavia are very friendly,” Lexa nods with her eyes close, but then she tenses up just slightly and Clarke notices immediately.

“Lex?” 

“I don’t think Bellamy likes me very much,” Lexa admits with a sigh. He hadn’t said anything explicitly, but he hadn’t made her feel welcomed either. Sometimes, Lexa could feel him staring at her and he barely bothered to look away when she catches him.

“He’s protective of me. I’m sure he’ll come around once he realizes how happy you make me,” Clarke admits, although she too was worried about the man’s behavior tonight.

“I hope so, I know he means a lot to you,” Lexa moves her head up so she can look into Clarke’s eyes, so blue even in the dimness of the room. Her own little ocean she could get lost in forever.

“He does, but not as much as you do. I love Bellamy like my own brother, but I can’t live without you,” Clarke assures her with nothing but the truth. Lexa has become her rock, she is the only person Clarke has ever known who simply trusted and understood her.

“I love you.”

Clarke feels her heart beat faster as the words always make happen, especially when Lexa looks at her like she is now. Like if she could, she’d never leave her side till the day she died and even then she’d follow.

“I love you too, my sun,” Clarke laces her fingers through the dark locks of hair and pulls Lexa into a breathtaking kiss. Lexa truly is the sun who brought warmth and light back into her life, and Clarke never wants to step out of her rays.

Octavia slowly moves down the stairs, stepping over the creaky step because she didn’t need to wake anyone for this. She glances over the edge of the couch and pokes at the lump there,

“Bell. I know you’re not asleep yet.” The lump grumbles and rolls over revealing the freckled man and a mop of hair.

“What, O?” He scoots over as Octavia invites herself onto the pull out beside him.

“We need to talk about tonight and don’t bullshit me, cause we both know you were acting weird since the moment you walked in,” Octavia calls him out with a raised eyebrow. She’s not here to mess around. She just wants the truth.

“I’m fine. It was just weird seeing Clarke back here again,” Bellamy tries to roll over, but a swift punch to the shoulder keeps him awake.

“I said no bullshit,” O narrows her eyes and hisses. She’s not afraid to call her brother out, hasn’t been for years.

“Goddamn it, Octavia. It’s no big deal,” Bellamy sits up now too. He doesn’t want to talk about it, especially not with this little sister. Octavia might be straight to the point with him, but she’s still his baby sis.

“So then it is a deal. Come on, Bell. Just tell me, maybe I can help?” Octavia softens slightly and reaches out to put her hand on his shoulder. He slouches under the touch and looks up again.

“I don’t have a problem with Clarke. You know that. But who is this Lexa? We don’t hear from Clarke at all for almost two years, don’t even know where she went, and then all of a sudden we get a call saying she’s coming home and she wants us to meet someone? It doesn’t sit right with me,” Bellamy sighs and shakes his head. He had been afraid, they all had, that Clarke was gone forever. She just left, no plans and no real life left in her. Bellamy wanted to help her, he had been trying, but then she was gone. The last time he saw Clarke she was a shell of herself, and now she was dancing, laughing and cracking dirty jokes? It just didn’t make sense anymore.

“Look, I don’t know Lexa, not like we know Clarke, but she must be alright if Clarke looks this happy. She did the impossible, she brought back our Clarke! Who else could have done that?” Octavia tries to smile. Sure, when she first found out about Lexa she was suspicious, but by the end of a single phone call, Octavia knew she could trust her.

“I could have. If she’d just let me try,” Bellamy looks out the large bay windows lining the fireplace. A rainstorm was moving in and lightning was flashing across the sky. His face gets lit up the next second and Octavia narrows her eyes at the expression there.

“What do you mean, Bell? What’s this really about?” 

Bellamy rings his hands a few times and shakes his head before looking his sister in the eye again, 

“I love her, O. I’ve loved her for a long time and she left. She left me here and the next time I see her she’s got some girl with her?” 

Octavia sits there for a moment before standing up and turning around. She wasn’t completely oblivious, but she certainly hadn’t hoped for this to be true. She flexes her jaw and thinks about her best friend, lying upstairs for the first time in two years and all because of Lexa. She thinks about this and then she whirls back around with steel in her eyes,

“No. No, you do not get to do this. She is happy. She is here and I am not going to let you mess that up. I don’t care what you think, I will not lose her again. Not when we just got her back. So you’re going to get over her and you’re going to move on, because right now? Right now, she is happy. Happier than she’s been since Wells probably, and definitely happier than since the accident.”

Bellamy is taken back by the words being thrown at him by his sister. He scrunches his eyebrows together and moves so he’s eye level with her again.

“Don’t you think I have tried? Don’t you think I’ve spent the past two years trying to do that? It didn’t work!” His voice never raises, still conscious of the sleeping parties, but there’s ice there now.

“Try harder,” Octavia states and turns around to walk back up the stairs. She has nothing more to say to her brother tonight. She quietly slips past Clarke’s old room and into the guest room. Raven is asleep by now, but she turns over when Octavia sinks onto the edge of the bed,

“Come here,” she mumbles sleepily and Octavia allows the woman to pull her into her side and hold her as the thunder claps outside their window and she blinks back the tears in her eyes.

_The halls of the high school are at their peak noise and movement when the final bell rings on Friday afternoon. Clarke pulls a textbook out of her locker and stuffs it into a messy backpack when Wells shuffles up, looking nervous. The happy blonde smiles at the boy as she closes the locker,_

_“What’s up, Wells?” Her phone starts to ding with messages from both Finn and Octavia and she swipes them open quickly as she stands in front of Wells._

_“Hey, Clarke. Do you think we could talk?” He asks, his voice edging on urgency._

_“Of course! What about?” They start to walk to the student parking lot outside the north entrance. Finn will be waiting for her by her car, no doubt, like he does every day._

_“Um, actually I was hoping I could stop by tonight and then we could talk,” Wells' eyes dart around, the conversation making him fidget and mumble. Clarke sighs and twists a bracelet on her right wrist. Finn gave it to her this morning when they got a quick breakfast before class._

_“I would, but today is Finn and I’s three month anniversary. You should come by tomorrow, though! Bring your biology too, we can make it a whole day,” Clarke suggests with disappointment in her voice. It seems like what he wants to say is important, but surely a day can’t hurt._

_“Oh, sorry. I didn’t know. Yeah, I’ll see you then,” Wells quickly dismisses himself once they exit the building. Clarke waves goodbye as Raven and Octavia fall into step beside her._

_“So what’s the big plans for tonight?” O wiggles her eyebrows at the blonde who laughs and shrugs._

_“He says it’s a surprise. It’s only been three months, so I told him not to go too crazy, but you know Finn. Such a romantic,” Clarke rolls her eyes but knows deep down how much she loves his sappy side._

_“Well you know what I say, don’t do half of what I would do and always use protection,” Raven winks at the girl and her and Octavia split off to O’s vintage mustang that Bellamy and Raven spent all summer working on before Octavia’s seventeenth birthday._

_“See you guys, later!” Clarke calls and then turns her attention to the boy leaning against her passenger door with a lazy grin. His hair is flopping in front of his face and Clarke resists the urge to tell him to get a haircut again._

_“Hey, babe,” Finn leans in to give her a kiss before grabbing her backpack for her. They both get into the car and Clarke turns it on so her favorite radio station can begin to play._

_“So, you going to tell me what we’re doing, yet?” Clarke asks as they pull out of the space and into the growing line of student’s trying to escape._

_“Nope. Just be ready by seven and wear something nice, but warm,” Finn shakes his head at his weak attempt at an answer. They hold hands the whole ride to his house and with one final reminder split up until later that night. Clarke rushes home to get ready for her date. She takes his suggestion into consideration and picks out a knit dress with long sleeves and some brown boots. Curling her hair and putting on some makeup, she eyed herself in the mirror before waltzing downstairs. Her dad has just gotten home and he brightens up when he sees her walk into the living room._

_“You look lovely today,” He compliments her as she comes up and gives him a quick kiss on the cheek._

_“Hi, dad. Finn is picking me up at seven and we should be home before eleven,” Clarke explains and pulls out a barstool for her sit on at the counter. He’s making more coffee, probably getting ready to go back to work in his office, when he slides the newspaper over to her, so she can browse the sports section. They watch baseball together every weekend and he knows she’ll want to see the report on the Nationals upcoming game._

_“Sounds good, honey,” Jake nods his confirmation. Clarke has always been a good kid, so he doesn’t worry much about how she spends her Friday nights._

_Soon it’s seven and Finn is ringing the doorbell. After a brief conversation with Jake, they’re off to the first destination, dinner. Finn drives them to a cute Italian place and makes sure she orders whatever she wants. They split a dessert and hold hands over the table, a perfect three month anniversary dinner for two seniors in high school. Afterward, he drives them to a place that offers D.C. harbor boat rides and Clarke applauds him for such a good idea. They’re waiting in line to get on board, Finn’s jacket around her shoulders even though she tried to dress warm when she gets a call from her dad. It’s only nine o’clock, so Clarke is immediately confused,_

_“He knows where I am… I should probably take this,” she apologizes and steps off to the side to answer._

_“Hey, Dad. What’s up?” she asks quickly, anxious to return to her date. She hears some commotion in the background of the call that immediately concerns her. While downtown could get noisy, her neighborhood was generally quiet._

_“Clarke, you need to come home,” Jake says, his voice trying to remain even, so not to freak her out too much._

_“What? Why? Is Mom okay?” Clarke jumps to worst case scenarios in her head. She glances back at Finn who’s almost at the front of the line but gazing at her with concern._

_“You’re mom is fine. Please, just come back now,” Jake assures her. Clarke wants to pressure him for more information, but can hear the pleading in his voice._

_“Okay. I’m on my way. We’ll be there soon,” she hangs up and walks back to Finn, pulling him out of line._

_“We need to go back now. My dad wouldn’t say why, but it sounded important,” she explains quickly and Finn nods._

_“Of course, come on. Let’s get you home,” He leads them back to the car and ushers her into the passenger seat, before jogging back around to his side. The car ride is silent now, as Clarke’s mind races with everything that could have happened since she left two hours ago. Finn reaches over to squeeze her knee reassuringly, and Clarke grabs his hand._

_“I’m scared, Finn,” Clarke admits quietly._

_“I know. It’s going to be okay. Let’s just focus on getting you home first,” Finn nods. He doesn’t know what to think, but he knows he has to stay calm for Clarke. The first thing they notice when they pull up to the house is the cop car. It’s not in front of her house, though, but next door. The Jaha’s place. Clarke jumps out of the car and runs up the path where her mom and dad stand by the doorway, ready for her. They usher her inside quickly and thank Finn for getting her home, but don’t invite him in. He promises to talk to Clarke tomorrow and excuses himself._

_“Mom, Dad, what’s going on at the Jaha’s?” Clarke's voice shakes as she stands in front of them. Jake pulls her in further and down onto the couch next to him while Abby stands in front, ringing her hands. Her eyes are red like she just stopped crying and she’s still in her scrubs._

_“Clarke. It’s Wells,” Jake starts gently, “He took his life tonight.” There’s silence as Clarke blinks slowly, looking between her parents. Her mind reels. This couldn’t be real, right? But her mom is definitely crying again and her dad looks like he’s waiting for her to break._

_“No. No, that can’t be true. Wells is coming over tomorrow to work on biology. We made plans,” Clarke feels hot tears start to streak her face and her body begins to shake. Why is she reacting like this? It’s not true. It can’t be true._

_“I’m so sorry, sweetheart. I am so sorry,” Jake pulls her crumbling body into his and holds her as the tears keep coming. It takes a few minutes for the tears to become sobs and the sobs to become wails. Her best friend since kindergarten was gone. He was gone._

_The funeral is almost a week later. Lots of people come, but Clarke barely notices a thing. She doesn’t speak much now. She walks around aimlessly or lays in bed staring at the ceiling. As the weeks go on, she doesn’t regain her spark. She goes to class but doesn’t take notes. She eats lunch with her friends but doesn’t laugh at their jokes. And she lets Finn be there for her, but she doesn’t tease him like before._

_This goes on for three weeks before one day after school, Clarke walks up to Finn with purpose in her step._

_“You’re going to a party at Atom’s tonight, right?” She asks, but it’s not a question. She heard from Octavia who was currently dating Atom, so she knew it to be true. Finn looks flustered and starts to explain himself when Clarke rolls her eyes,_

_“I know you go there every weekend, Finn. I’m not dumb and I’m not mad. I want to go too,” Clarke crosses her arms, daring him to say no. Not that he ever said no to her._

_“Really? If you want to come, I’d love it!” Finn recovers from his shock quickly. Maybe Clarke was finally looking to be social again. It’s been ages since they went out together, something Finn understood, but wished to change. He knows Octavia was going tonight too, so it makes sense that Clarke would choose this party to come to._

_“Okay, I’ll text you later,” the blonde nods and turns around, leaving the school building. Lately, Finn has been driving himself to school, since Clarke stopped offering him rides every morning._

_When Clarke tells her parent’s she’s spending the night at Octavia’s, they’re so happy for her they don’t question it at all. They’ve been considering sending their daughter to therapy, but if she was coming out of her slump on her own that’s great._

_“Bye, Mom. Bye, Dad,” Clarke calls as she takes her keys and walks out to her car. She’s driving over to Finn’s and then they’re going with a group to Atom’s place. Atom’s parents are out of town most weekends on business, and his dad drinks so much they never notice a few extra liquor bottles lying around._

_“Clarke! Hey, love,” Octavia pulls the blonde in and kisses her cheek with a grin. Clarke glances around at the people gathered in Atom’s basement den. Most go to their school except a couple recent graduates, they all know about Wells and Clarke. She’s sure of it by how they stare at her like she might break down. She ignores them all, though, and tries to smile back at Octavia._

_“Hey, O. Why isn’t Raven here, too?” Octavia shrugs and looks back at Atom,_

_“Said she was busy, but I think she’s out with that Wick guy again.” Clarke nods and notices Octavia’s slight scowl. She vaguely remembers Octavia telling her about how Wick was a douche. O has always been protective of Raven, ever since they met in elementary school, and this extends to her dates._

_“Well, what do we have to drink?” Clarke turns to Finn with a smirk and her eyebrows raised. He grins back and walks over to the bar pulling out a bottle of vodka._

_“I know your preference,” He starts pouring out a couple shots and slides one over to Clarke. This is the first of five she’ll take that night, paired with three beers, and not enough water. That night she throws up everything and collapses asleep in a heap on the end of a couch. Octavia lays on the other end and checks on her throughout the night. In the morning, Finn forces her to take some ibuprofen and change clothes, before sending her home to sleep the day away. It’s fine to get drunk every now and then. That’s the justification they all give when they think about it. No one wants to admit that it could become a problem. It was only one party._

_Next week, Clarke tells Finn they’re going back to Atom’s. He tries to reason with her, but eventually agrees it’s better if they go together than her alone, which she will do. She doesn’t throw up that night, but she does the next morning as Raven holds back her hair and rubs her back. There’s tears streaming down her face when she sits back on the tile floor and lets her friend hold her for a little while. This goes on each weekend for a couple more weeks, then Clarke steals a bottle of her mom’s wine on a Wednesday and calls Finn at three am, crying. She doesn’t mention the next day in class, but the bags are darker under her eyes and she hears the whispers. That weekend she goes to a college party without her friends, but shows up at Octavia’s door, asleep in Bellamy’s arms. He found her at the bus stop and drove her there. Bellamy talks to her the next morning, but she’s hostile and denies having a problem. Two weeks later, Raven takes a whiff of Clarke’s water bottle to smell vodka. She pours it down the drain, but Clarke doesn’t say anything as she watches the clear liquid swirl down the drain. Her eyes bore into Raven’s, but they’re nothing like the bright blue she was known for._

_Her friends go to her parents. They have to when they see who she is slowly killing herself. She's throwing her life away, and what a promising one it was. Jake and Abby aren't shocked. They've noticed the late nights, but Clarke refuses to go to see a therapist. With this evidence, they confront her again. There's yelling and tears and Clarke up against the door as they try and reach her. She doesn't know how to stop, though. Not when being drunk is the only time the hole in her chest doesn't threaten to collapse in on her. She promises she'll quit. Begs not to go to rehab and reminds them of what that would look like to her University admission. Finally, they relent but warn her that they will be watching her closely._

_She doesn't stop. She gets quieter about it. She's sneaking out at night and skipping classes. Clarke knows how bad it is, of course, she does. She thinks that if Jake and Abby hadn't thrown themselves into their work more than before, they would notice. They would force her to get help. Clarke wishes they would, so she gets sloppy. She doesn't replace bottles or skip the squeaky stairs. She stops bringing fake notes to school and just ditches. Surely, they must notice? But she gets a letter from Georgetown University congratulating her and offering her a spot in their honors program, so Abby turns a blind eye. It makes Clarke angry that they keep pretending when everything was falling apart. So she drinks more._

_It’s been four months since Wells died and Clarke is at a bar. Her fake wasn’t great, but it gets her into a few seedy college clubs. She doesn’t remember leaving the bar, although she does remember why. Some guy had taken things a little too far and the part of her self-preservation instincts that weren’t gone told her to leave. She doesn’t remember the subway ride or the stumbling walk. She doesn’t remember dropping her key two blocks back. She sits down on the step of her backdoor and cries. She cries for Wells, for her mom who will find her here in the morning, for Finn who cares so much, and she cries for herself. For her past self._

_In the morning, Clarke is found. That night she agrees to get help. She’s not sure she deserves it, but those who love her do. That was senior year. By the time she goes off to university, Clarke is thriving again. She found her will to live a full, happy life. She’s pre-med and going to Georgetown University with Raven and Bellamy who already attends. Finn is at George Mason and Octavia went all the way to Fordham University with a track and field scholarship. Clarke joins a chess club, even though it’s considered lame because Wells always wanted to. Finn visits her often since it’s only a forty minute drive. They’re happy. She’s happy. Happy as she can be. She wishes her story ended there. Of course, it doesn’t._


	2. coming out

“No, no, no,” Clarke mumbles become more frantic and her arm come up near her face. Her breathing speeds up and her body is beginning to shake when Lexa is awoken. She takes one look at the anguish on Clarke’s face and immediately starts to stroke her hair and murmur reassuring words,

“Shh, it’s okay. You’re okay. I’m here, baby, I’m here for you. Just a dream.” Slowly Clarke’s body responds and her eyes open, quickly scanning the room before locking onto green. Lexa pulls her closer as the tears begin to fall and just holds her, still whispering anything to calm her down. After a few minutes, Clarke relaxes completely in her arms and places a soft kiss above Lexa’s heart.

“It’s been awhile,” Lexa notes, referring to how often she used to have to do this. The past six months have seen fewer and fewer nightmares for Clarke.

“It’s being here. All the memories,” Clarke sighs and nuzzles closer into Lexa’s chest, silently wishing she could live inside of Lexa and burrow herself into every nook and cranny of her heart. Lexa simply holds her closer, aware that Clarke already lives inside of her. That she’s left her mark on every inch of her.

“I know. I’m sorry this couldn’t be a painless trip,” Lexa rubs her hands up and down the blonde’s back and presses a kiss to the top of her head. They lay there in silence for a few more minutes before the sounds of life drift up the stairs and alert them to the fact that everyone is waking up. Clarke grabs a sweatshirt that sports the Reed College crest and was decidedly Lexa’s only a couple months ago. They walk downstairs together, Lexa swiftly braiding her hair as she goes in an attempt to tame the curly mess. Clarke would prefer she keep it down since she’s always had a sweet spot for Lexa with bed head, but knows the slender woman wouldn’t appreciate everyone else seeing it.

“Good Morning, love birds,” Raven grins from her spot at the table. Her plate is already stacked with pancakes and bacon and the sight alone makes Clarke’s stomach audibly growl. Lexa smirks at the sound and pokes her love’s stomach quickly before slipping into the kitchen besides Abby. Clarke chases after her with a bright laugh and traps the offender by the fridge, leaning in close and waiting for Lexa’s breath to falter before grabbing her sides and quickly moving her hands up and down. Lexa laughs and bats her away frantically. When Clarke pulls back only a couple seconds later and goes to grab a plate, she doesn’t see the way Abby blinks back tears with a smile, or how Raven and Octavia had stopped their conversation to stare open-mouthed in their direction. Clarke doesn’t notice, but Lexa does and for the millionth time wonder how bad Clarke was when she left that this level of happiness shocks them. The only person who doesn’t look happy at how Clarke is acting is Bellamy, although the look he gives them now is different than last night. There’s more sadness.

“Morning, guys,” Clarke sits down with her plate and reaches for the syrup. Lexa finally moves to make up her own breakfast. She asks Abby if she could cut up one of the bananas she sees in the corner and the mother assures her it’s fine. She cuts up half to add to her own plate before sitting next to Clarke and adding the rest on top of the pancakes on the blonde’s plate. This earns her a grin and a kiss on the cheek.

“Why are you guys the perfect couple ever? It’s annoying,” Raven groans at the interaction. Lexa blushes, but Clarke just stifles a grin.

“It’s easy with her,” she adds with a shrug. Octavia gags at the words, but also drops a hand to squeeze Raven’s thigh. They finish up their breakfast lazily with quiet conversation. As Clarke goes to take plates to the sink, Raven makes eye contact with Abby who nods. The latina girl then turns to Lexa and smiles,

“So Lexa, how do you feel about going with Octavia and I to the grocery store? Abby asked us to pick up some stuff.”

Clarke quickly turns her head to look at them. She starts to open her mouth before Octavia speaks,

“Sorry, chief. You’re not invited.” Clarke walks over and places a hand on Lexa’s shoulder, but she just smiles at Clarke and nods.

“Sure, I’d love to go with you guys. You can spend some quality time with your mom then, babe,” Lexa addresses the last part to Clarke, assuring her it’s okay.

“Great! Go get dressed, unless you feel like wearing pajamas,” Octavia gets up and pulls Raven by the hand too. Raven shrugs and eyes Lexa’s t-shirt and flannel pants,

“Honestly, we’ve gone looking worse.”

Lexa chuckles, but shakes her head. She could change quickly. She jogs upstairs and puts on a pair of jeans and a green sweater that Clarke bought for her for Christmas. It brings out her eyes. When she gets back downstairs, Raven and Octavia are pulling on jackets by the front door. Clarke heads Lexa off and pulls her in for a kiss and tucks a stray hair back into Lexa’s braid.

“Have fun, don’t let them get you into too much trouble,” Clarke shoots her friends a look of warning before they all exit. Once they’re gone, Bellamy and Kane head into the backyard to check out a loose board in the fence. Clarke smiles at her mom and they go back to cleaning up the kitchen.

“I’m glad you’re here, Clarke,” Abby breaks the amicable silence as she towel dries a platter. Clarke nods and hands her another plate.

“Me too. I’m sorry it took me so long to come back,” Clarke apologizes, but Abby only shakes her head, promising her she understands.

“I’m also happy that you brought Lexa. Actually, I’m happy you found Lexa,” Abby smiles and refers to how well the two women went together.

“She makes me happy. Really happy. I don’t know if I’d have ever come back if it wasn’t for her,” Clarke admits. Lexa never pushed her to return to D.C., but her presence alone was enough of a reason for Clarke to begin to consider it. She wanted to show her family and friends how amazing Lexa is.

“I know, sweetie. I can see it in your eyes. She’s good for you and I will be endlessly grateful to her for that.”

They return to silence for a couple more minutes till the dishes are done and put away, then move over to the table to sit.

“Clarke, I want to tell you something,” Abby leans on her elbows and fidgets with her necklace. Clarke nods and waits expectantly.

“Marcus and I are getting married.” Abby sighs out and nervously looks for her daughter’s reaction. Clarke blinks a few times but says nothing. She thinks about how Kane looks at her mom and how it almost mirrors how Lexa looks at her, but then she remembers her dad. Her strong, kind father who looked at them both like they were the stars and the sun.

“Oh,” Clarke breathes out and glances out the window where Kane and Bellamy could still be seen. 

“Oh.” She stands and turns toward the door. She walks out at a steady pace, not hearing anything her mom says now. She’s not mad, but she doesn’t want to be here. The door shuts behind her and she just keeps walking, heading down the sidewalk with no clear destination, but a familiar route. Her mind tries to grasp the concept of her mom moving on. It was natural and bound to happen, but hard to understand. Her parents had been in love, but now Abby loves someone else, too. Clarke has only been walking a couple minutes when she senses someone jog up beside her.

“Hey, princess. Where ya going?” Bellamy slows down to walk next to her. Clarke glances over, her eyes wet, and shrugs,

“My mom is marrying Kane.” Bellamy nods and looks down again. He knew that, of course.

“Yeah. I’m sorry, Clarke. He does love her, though,” Bell tries. He doesn’t quite know what to say, but he will try. Clarke lets out a shaky breath and turns down a gravel path. It leads to a playground, the same one that Jake would take her to as a kid.

“She’s moving on and I should be happy for her, but I don’t know how to be. God, Bell, they were so in love. My parents were the type that never lost their spark, but now he’s gone and she’s moving on,” Clarke shakes her head and stops in the path.

“I know. We all knew that, and just because she’s marrying Kane doesn’t mean your mom stopped loving your dad. She never will, but she can’t help falling in love,” Bellamy explains. Clarke snorts at the words and looks up at Bellamy again.

“How would you know so much about love, Bellamy?” 

His jaw tenses, but then he looks at Clarke and sees that she’s not trying to hurt him. Even if she has. He lets his shoulders fall and sighs,

“Because I’m in love. Been in love for awhile now.” Clarke’s eyes widen and her mouth opens slightly. After the shock, she grins. 

“Well shit, Bellamy. Who’s the girl?” She tries to imagine Bellamy dating some girl he met in school or at his new job. She’s happy for him. 

“Clarke, it’s you. It’s always been you,” Bellamy sighs and drops his eyes, not willing to see that reaction. Clarke’s happiness for him fades immediately as she takes a step back. Bellamy in love with her? She hasn’t been here for two years and she barely qualified as here for a year before that. When could he have fallen in love? Why would he tell her now? She squints her eyes and tries to think back to their interactions, then she remembers how cold Bellamy has been to Lexa this whole trip and realizes that was jealousy with a gasp. The sound draws Bellamy’s eyes back up and he takes in her emotions, so clearly displayed. For a moment, it looks like there might be pity, but it quickly hardens. She steels her gaze and clenches her fist before opening her mouth to speak again,

“No. You do not get to tell me this now.”

Bellamy furrows his eyebrows and starts to step forward, but Clarke quickly moves back when she sees that.

“I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore. I’ve been in love with you since high school,” Bellamy tries to explain, but Clarke shakes her head.

“I’m sorry, Bellamy. You’re like my brother, and I care for you deeply, but I don’t love you. I love Lexa. I love her more than I ever knew possible, so you’ll just have to get over this and I’ll forget it happened.” Clarke starts walking back the moment she finishes speaking, brushing past Bellamy and not waiting to see if he follows, hoping he doesn’t.

“It’s not that easy, Clarke, and I don’t want you to forget,” Bellamy tells the back of her head, making Clarke falter in her step. She doesn’t turn around when she responds,

“I don’t care what you want.” And with that, she keeps walking. It takes her a few minutes to get back to the house, noticing Raven’s jeep back out front meaning her friends and Lexa have returned from the store. She rushes into the house and spots everyone sitting in the living room. Lexa stands as soon as Clarke shuts the door and walks around the couch to her. Clarke reaches out and pulls her in, hiding her face in the crook of Lexa’s neck. The brunette feels hot tears paint her skin and rubs Clarke’s back soothingly. After a few more moments, Clarke steps back and looks at the rest of the group. She glances between her mom and Kane and notices how he is gripping Abby’s hand.

“I’m sorry I left like that, Mom,” Clarke admits while wiping her cheeks. Lexa tangles their fingers together and squeezes lightly.

“It’s fine, honey. I’m sure it was a shock. Are you okay now?” Abby asks gently, noticing the tears. Clarke tries to laugh, but the sound is hollow and sad. Lexa can’t take her eyes off of Clarke’s face. She yearns to brush away every tear and kiss the furrow in her brow till it disappears.

“Not really, but it’s not your fault. There’s just so much,” Clarke thinks of the two huge bombshells dropped on her today. She’s strong, as Lexa likes to remind her, but this was threatening on too much. The front door opens again and Clarke’s eyes harden as she hears Bellamy shuffle in. Lexa notices the shift in her expression and finally tears her gaze from Clarke to glare at Bellamy. She doesn’t need to know what he did to hate him for it. Anyone who makes her love cry is bad. Bellamy clenches his jaw when his eyes meet Lexa’s. 

“What did you do?” Lexa speaks low and menacingly, angling her body so she’s between the older Blake and Clarke. 

“Nothing that concerns you,” Bellamy bites back which causes Clarke to whip around and step forward. 

“Don’t speak to her like that. In fact, don’t speak to her at all,” Clarke growls.

“Are you kidding me, Clarke?” Bellamy scoffs and shakes his head. The room is tense. Octavia and Raven slip further into their seats, Kane glances nervously between the three young adults and Abby tries to make sense of the mess in front of her.

“Fine, can I talk to you then?” Bellamy lowers his voice and allows a pleading tone to bleed through. Clarke’s gaze softens and she closes her eyes for a second. When she opens them she looks at Lexa whose eyes show nothing but love and concern. She knows this isn’t going to change, so she might as well address the issue before she loses a friend.

“Okay.”

Bellamy releases a breath and nods. He motions toward the study and Clarke takes another long look at Lexa, leaning in to kiss her cheek softly.

“I’ll be okay. It’s just Bellamy,” she reassures the worried woman then follows Bellamy into the room, shutting the door. There’s nervous glances shared amongst the remaining group, but Lexa just sighs. She trusts Clarke to handle this.

“Okay, Bellamy. Let’s talk. I don’t want to lose a great friend, because of this,” Clarke begins. Bellamy has been there for her since everything went to shit and she’d hate to lose him now that she’s happy again.

“I’m sorry I sprung that on you, Clarke. After everything with your mom, I should have picked another time, but I did need to tell you. I’ve been in love with you for so long and it hurts. It hurt when you left, but I understood. I tried to move on when you didn’t reach out, but I don’t know how,” Bellamy explains. There’s no resentment in his voice, only resigned sadness. Believing he still had a chance was what kept him going during the years Clarke was silent. 

“You have to try. Go on dates, imagine life with someone else, take your happiness into your own hands, remind yourself that you can live without me,” Clarke suggests. She knows how to get over someone. Her situation might have been different, but she succeeded eventually. She fell in love with someone new and her life was hugely improved since it. There were still bad days when she didn’t want to talk to anyone, including Lexa, but they were fewer now, and Lexa respected her distance when it happened.

“What if I don’t want to move on?” Bellamy asks. His voice betrays him and reveals the hope left there. His eyes are pleading with her to understand, but Clarke just raises her chin.

“You have to, Bellamy. I have Lexa and even if I didn’t I can’t tell you I would want this,” Clarke doesn’t hold back the truth. She feels bad, but he needs to know that it wasn’t worth it to hang on.

“But you can’t tell me you wouldn’t either. I can wait, Clarke. I want to wait for you,” Bellamy locks his jaw and doesn’t waver. How could he let go with no certainty that he’d ever find someone like Clarke again?

“No. There’s no point. You’d be waiting forever,” Clarke hardens her voice. Her back straightens as she pictures Lexa pacing nervously across the living room. She knows what she wants and it’s the beautiful, kind woman who has supported her endlessly.

“You don’t know that!” Bellamy throws his hands up, his reason leaving him as he stares at the blonde.

“Yes, I do! I found my soulmate, Bellamy! Lexa is gentle and caring, yet strong and fierce. She’s the most beautiful person I’ve ever met, inside and out and she loves me. We love each other, Bellamy. Lexa is the person I want to spend forever with and that’s why I married her.” 

Bellamy steps back at the force of the admission. There’s half a beat before he speaks again,

“Married her? You’re fucking married and you didn’t tell anyone?” He growls out and Clarke nods. This was the whole reason she came back. She and Lexa were supposed to tell them together at dinner tonight when they went out. They were going to take everyone to one of Clarke’s old favorites and treat them to dinner. It was supposed to be a happy occasion.

“Yeah, Bell. Lexa’s my wife. That’s why I’m here,” Clarke smiles slightly as she pulls out a necklace. At the end is a simple ring, studded with three small diamonds given to her three months ago and usually worn proudly on her left hand.

“Not even your mom? Did you even think for a second that she might want to be at your wedding?” Bellamy huffs out and eyes the ring as if it might attack him.

“It wasn’t so much a wedding as a courthouse. The only people there were Lexa’s sister, Anya, and two of our friends from Portland, Monty and Lincoln. All I was thinking about was how I needed to be with Lexa forever. I know how precious life is and how our time together could be cut short, so I when Lexa asked I said yes and insisted we go the next week to make it official,” Clarke explains. Lexa had offered a large affair with flowers, dresses, dancing and their families, but Clarke refused. She was too eager to start their life together, plus it would be hard to have a big wedding, but not have her dad there to walk her down the aisle. The courthouse was easier. Lexa bought her a simple bouquet and they both wore white cocktail dresses. 

“Fine. I’m done. I need some air,” Bellamy huffs out and leaves the room. He glances over his shoulder at Clarke before turning to the group.

“They’re married, ya know? Clarke and Lexa,” He says and then walks out of the house. Lexa stares wide-eyed at the closing door as Clarke groans and trudges out of the room. Raven is the first one to break the silence,

“Married, huh? Sorry, I didn’t send a wedding present.” She tries to joke, seeing how tense the air is. Clarke rolls her eyes and comes to stand by Lexa, lacing their fingers together.

“Like you didn’t know? You and Octavia stalked Lexa on every form of social media weeks ago,” Clarke raises her eyebrows at the pair who don’t hide their sheepish grins.

“‘Time to start making a lifetime of memories with this beautiful soul’ It was so cute I gagged,” Octavia remembers the caption Lexa posted under a picture of their hand clasped together, a ring flashing prominently on Clarke’s finger.

“Clarke… Honey, why didn’t you tell me?” Abby finally asks. Clarke is relieved to hear no anger in her voice, only slight disappointment. Lexa’s gaze is firmly planted on her shoes. It was bad enough to hear bits and pieces of Bellamy and Clarke’s argument as she sat with Clarke’s family and oldest friends, but now this? She’s horrified.

“I’m sorry, Mom. We were planning on telling everyone tonight, but Bellamy beat us to it,” Clarke shrugs. She refuses to regret marrying Lexa three months ago, no matter the guilt trip that might be sent her way. That day is forever etched as one of the happiest in her life and nothing can take that away.

“Well, I for one am happy to welcome you to the family, Lexa,” Kane speaks up. Lexa finally lifts her head and takes in the smile on his face. It might not be the approval she was looking for, but she felt the weight lessen either way.

“Technically, I will have been a Griffin longer than you,” Lexa points out, tilting her head as one corner of her mouth lifts. Kane laughs and Clarke beams at her wife.

“I am sorry you were not there, Abby. Both Clarke and I wished you could have been, but I promise you this was not done with any form of animosity. I love your daughter more than words can describe, and another day not married to her was just a thought I couldn’t bear,” Lexa turns her attention to Abby now and eloquently explains their decision. She had asked Clarke if she wished to invite her mother, but they both knew it would be easier to simply forgo her family and go to a courthouse. Abby looks the couple over, noticing how Clarke can’t help but stare at Lexa with pride and adoration, and how Lexa’s back is now rigid and a hand on Clarke’s waist shows her protective side.

“It’s okay. I understand. I do wish I could have been there, but I trust you, girls. Thank you, Lexa,” Abby says finally and there’s a collective sigh of relief throughout the room. Clarke moves to hug her mom and then at Octavia and Raven’s insisting puts on the ring for them to check out. Lexa also slips on her wedding band, identical to Clarke’s but set in silver instead of gold. After a few minutes of Clarke gushing about the day and how sweet Lexa’s vows were, she clears her throat.

“Um, could I actually go speak to Lexa alone for awhile? Afterward, we should all go check out the cherry blossoms. They’re blooming, right?” Abby nods and smiles. Clarke pulls her wife up the stairs by the hand and shuts them into her room. Here, she collapses into Lexa’s arms. They grip onto each other tightly as Clarke hides her face in the crook of the brunette’s neck. Eventually, they pull apart and sit on the edge of Clarke’s old bed.

“I had a lot of fears about this weekend, but this has just been crazy,” Clarke lets her body fall back and rubs her eyes with the heel of her palm. When she opens them again, Lexa has shifted so she can lean over her slightly. She reaches out to trace Clarke’s jaw with her fingers, watching as her wife visually relaxes.

“Tell me what happened with Bellamy,” Lexa murmurs, but doesn’t stop her ministrations. Clarke looks off to the side and bites her lip. A couple of her fingers tug on the edge of Lexa’s shirt, as she tries to think of what to say. 

“He told me he was in love with me.” Lexa’s hand stills for less than a second, before Clarke turns her head into the touch and she instinctively restarts.

“I told him I didn’t feel the same way. That I was in love with you and always would be,” Clarke holds eye contact, her gaze so intense that Lexa’s hand finally stops as her breath hitches. She leans down and captures Clarke’s lips with her own. The blonde lifts her head into the kiss and pushes her hands under Lexa’s sweater, sliding up her back and pulling her closer till Lexa has to move to straddle Clarke. They continue to kiss like this for several minutes, open-mouthed and greedy, until they remember the group downstairs and Lexa pulls back slightly to press her forehead to Clarke’s.

“I love you, for now, and forever,” Clarke repeats the same vows said at their wedding. Lexa nods as best she can and presses one more chaste kiss to her lover’s lips.

“I know, my love. I am sorry that this trip hasn’t been perfect, but I am happy that your mother knows about us now,” Lexa lets a half-grin grace her face. Clarke lets her eyes trace every detail of this beautiful woman’s gleeful face.

“Me too. It’s been weird not wearing my ring. Even though I’ve only had it for a few months it feels like a natural part of me,” Clarke fingers the ring with her thumb until Lexa picks up her hand and brings it to her lips,

“You feel like a natural part of me,” she whispers, her lips grazing over Clarke’s fingers as she speaks. Lexa scoots back off the bed, pulling Clarke with her. Clarke feels her heart flutter at the cheesy words and she resists the urge to pull the brunette woman back down to the bed and show her just how much she loves her.

“Come on, love. Let’s go back down,” Lexa tangles their fingers together and smirks at her wife as though she could read Clarke’s thoughts. At this point, it wouldn’t surprise her. They already read each other so well that they rarely need to express themselves with words.

“Hmm, is that really what you want to do?” Clarke purrs and bites her lip. She revels in the way Lexa swallows as her eyes trail down her body.

“You know what I want to do… But your family and friends might not appreciate it,” Lexa’s voice is low in a way that makes Clarke’s breath falter. Her wife takes a step back toward the bed, reaching up with her free hand to cup the back of Clarke’s neck and tilt her head up. She leans down to capture Clarke’s lips with her own. Swiping her tongue along her bottom lip, Lexa is given access into Clarke’s mouth. They hold the kiss for a few more seconds before Lexa pulls back, dragging Clarke’s lip with her teeth. Lexa stays just inches away, studying the way her gorgeous wife’s eyelids flutter open to reveal only remnants of the blue she loves. They gaze at each other longingly until Lexa softly kisses Clarke once more and straightens back up. She pulls her hands off of Clarke and backs up, smirking as she spins around and walks out the door. Clarke stares at her ass as she goes, huffing out a small,

“Tease.”

“Your tease,” Lexa winks over her shoulder. 

“Mine. All mine,” Clarke whispers to herself in disbelief as Lexa turns the corner and she can no longer see her. She sits there for a second and marvels at the fact that she managed to find Lexa. That after all the darkness, she finally has something that makes her feel light again. It’s an amazing feeling and as Clarke stands to follow her wife down the stairs, she vows to never lose it, Not Again. 

Downstairs, she walks in to see her mom humming in the kitchen, Raven and Octavia watching Fixer Upper on the couch, and Marcus setting up a game of chess for Lexa and him. She smiles at the domestics of it all, before going to join her best friends.

“Hey, Clarke! Gonna come slouch it up with your friends?” Octavia smiles and pulls the blonde down in between them.

“For now, I think I deserve some couch time,” Clarke laughs and they both agree. They’re sitting there for a couple minutes before Clarke speaks up again with a question that surprises them both,

“Hey, Ray. Have you heard from Finn recently?”

_Clarke sprawls across her twin xl bed, reading on her stomach. Her midterm for chemistry 310 is tomorrow and she knows Durnstein is going to give them a killer. The only thing keeping her going is knowing that when she gets out of the test, Finn and her dad would be there. They’re going out to dinner in celebration of her one-year sobriety. It was often hard to explain to her new college friends that she didn’t drink, as she was a recovered alcoholic at only 19. This day was a cause for celebration, though because she is proud to have turned her life around. Raven is at the library right now with some people from her physics 302 class. Their test is tomorrow as well and the engineering major is eager for it to be over, so she can join Clarke, Finn, Bellamy, and Jake. Abby couldn’t get out of her shift with two general surgeons out with the flu, but she sends her love and pride._

_Clarke throws her hair up in a bun and sighs. She looks around the room and thinks about grabbing a bag of goldfish. Before she commits to actually getting off the bed, Raven bursts through their door._

_“Hey, bae! How’s the study going?” Raven throws her backpack at the end of her bed as the door slams, making them both wince at the noise._

_“Raven! My savior! Grab the goldfish,” Clarke makes grabby hands at the bag and Raven rolls her eyes but tosses the snack to her best friend._

_“I love you,” Clarke moans as she stuffs her hand down the bag._

_“Of course you do,” Raven beams and pulls out her phone. She types something out with a small grin that Clarke notices immediately._

_“Ooh, who ya texting?” Clarke smirks, knowingly. She’s noticed the grin more and more lately. It all started after getting back from winter break, so Clarke assumes it’s someone in one of her new classes._

_“I don’t know what you’re talking about… Oh and Octavia says she wishes she were here, again.”_

_“Aw, I miss her! Why is New York so far? We should go for spring break,” The blonde suggests eagerly. Raven blushes slightly,_

_“Yeah, definitely. I kinda bought a ticket already,” Raven admits with a sheepish shrug. Clarke raises her eyebrows questioningly at the engineering major. Raven only smiles not yet willing to admit that this is strange. Clarke doesn’t let it go, though._

_“I thought you’d want to spend spring break with Finn is all… If you want to come to New York that’d be awesome!” Raven explains and if Clarke wasn’t about to pass out, she’d push further._

_“Of course, I want to go see my best friend who lives hours away. I can see Finn all the time,” Clarke rolls her eyes and hops off the raised bed. She grabs some pajamas to change into and walks past Raven into their private bathroom. That’s the last of the conversations about spring break._

_Clarke’s final is grueling. She’s in there for two hours, trying desperately to remember everything she’d read the day before. Something in the back of her mind keeps nagging at her, though, and she fidgets the entire time. Finally, she turns in the test, confident that she’d get a B, and hurries out of the lecture hall. As soon as her phone is on, she’s bombarded with texts, calls, and voicemails. Most are from her mom, but there’s also a couple from Raven and Bellamy. Her heart speeds up and her breathing becomes quick and staggered. Something about the non-descript messages to call back asap brings her back to her dad calling her the night Wells died._

_She quickly taps on her mom’s contact and the line only rings for a few moments before there’s an answer._

_“Clarke! You’re out,” Abby’s words are quick and short._

_“Mom! What’s going on?” Clarke chokes out. She refuses to cry before she knows what’s going on._

_“Sweetie, can you meet me at Washington Hospital? Take a cab, don’t drive,” Abby asks, she doesn’t want to explain everything on the phone, but she knows Clarke needs to hear something,_

_“There’s been an accident. With your father and Finn. Just come quick.”_

_Clarke feels her eyes get hot with tears threatening to fall. Her mind can hardly process what is happening. The only thought in her mind, Not Again._

_“I’m coming. Mom, are they…” She can’t say the words._

_“In surgery. They’re both in surgery. Clarke, you need to come now,” Abby assures her. Clarke manages to get out an affirmative, before hanging up and calling for a cab. It’s thirty minutes before she is bursting through the hospital doors. She knows the place well since it’s where her mom works and quickly dismisses any help as she runs to the ER waiting room. Once there, she sees Raven and Abby sitting in the stiff chairs. Finn’s parents are also there, all staring at their hands with no sound. Raven and Abby both jump up when they see Clarke, Abby rushing over to pull her daughter in. Clarke excepts the embrace and holds on tight. Eventually, she lets go because she needs to hear what’s going on._

_“What happened?” She asks as Raven walks up to join them. Clarke can see she’s been crying and knows why. Finn and Raven grew up together, she even had a crush on him for awhile, nothing she ever holds against Clarke though._

_“Your dad decided to pick Finn up since he works on that side of town. A distracted driver ran a red light and hit them. They’ve been in surgery for hours. Finn had a bad head injury and your father’s chest took a lot of damage. It’s bad, baby. I don’t know what’s going to happen to him,” Abby starts to cry as she thinks about her loving husband. Raven rubs her back, despite looking on the verge of tears herself. Clarke doesn’t know when she started crying, but she is now. She tells herself it could all be okay. They could be fine. She doesn’t know if she believes it, but she has to try._

_Thirty minutes later, a doctor comes out to see them. She’s in scrubs, her hair still covered, and Clarke thinks that maybe her face isn’t grim._

_“Are the Collins here?” She asks and Finn’s parents rush over, followed directly by Clarke and Raven. The best friends hold onto each other, the support a necessity._

_“I just finished Finn’s surgery and he made it through. I managed to stop all the bleeding which is good. He’s in the ICU right now. This isn’t the end of his fight, but it is a good start. You can see him in a few minutes, but he’s going to be asleep for awhile.” The doctor explains and everyone cries out in relief. Clarke and Raven hold on to each other tight, pulling back with slight watery smiles. They move over to hug Finn’s parents, as well. Before the surgeon can walk away, Clarke stops her,_

_“Thank you. Do you know anything about my dad? Jake Griffin?”_

_“I haven’t heard anything in an hour, but I’ll go check for you,” She offers, but the look on her face isn’t hopeful. She may not be a general surgeon, but she saw the state he came in at and has heard a few updates._

_“Clarke, we’re going to see Finn now. I hope your dad is okay. You know you’re welcome to visit Finn as soon as you can,” Mrs. Collins squeezes Clarke in a side hug and the blonde offers a small nod. She’s happy that Finn is doing well, but she can’t relax until her dad is in the same condition. Raven follows her back to the chairs, not willing to leave Clarke for a second. They sit there, almost silent, except when Bellamy shows up with some coffees until another doctor appears. They all stand when he walks up. He goes straight to Abby, knowing her since they work together._

_“Abby, Clarke… I’m sorry. We did everything we could in there, but the damage was too much. Jake was a fine man,” He says softly. The world drops around Clarke. She doesn’t hear her mother reacting beside her or feel Bellamy grab her to keep her from falling. She doesn’t know anything, besides pain. Her dad, her rock, the man who loves her unconditionally, was gone. A day that was supposed to be a celebration is now a tragedy and she doesn’t know how to handle it. She’s lost in her own mind and tears. The next thing she’s aware of is someone wrapping a blanket around her as she sits on a gurney. It’s Raven. They sit together in silence for what could have been hours, Clarke can’t tell. Finally, Raven tells her she needs to eat and drink something and she responds with a numb nod. She allows her friend to lead her back to her mom, who looks just as bad as she probably does and sits them together before going to get them food. Clarke reaches over and grabs her mom’s hand shakily. Abby squeezes it softly and adjusts to let Clarke lean on her shoulder. Exhausted, she sleeps._

_The next time she wakes up, Bellamy is there with water and a sandwich. He also tells her that Finn is awake which is where Raven went. Clarke and her mom share a look before Abby nods at her to go visit Finn. It might be good to see him, she thinks. Show her that today was not all tragedy. Someone survived._

_“I’ll take you over there,” Bellamy gently leads her. They don’t talk, but when Clarke gets to the door Bellamy hugs her._

_Inside, the Collins, and Raven are sitting on the bed, but Clarke can’t help but notice that Raven looks flustered._

_“Clarke! Come on in,” Mr. Collins notices her first and ushers her in. They all have a sympathetic look in their eye, but Clarke tries to push that away. She doesn’t want to think about why it’s there. Her boyfriend is bruised and battered, with white bandages wrapped around his head._

_“Finn? Hey…” Clarke goes up and tries to grab his hand, but he pulls it back quickly._

_“Clarke,” He says, barely even registering she’s there and avoiding her gaze._

_“How are you feeling?” She tries to shake it off, but his eyes snap back to her and he snarls,_

_“I just had massive brain surgery, how the fuck do you think I feel?”_

_Clarke is forced to step back by those words and her mouth gapes open. It’s Raven that pulls her out of the room._

_“What was that?” The blonde asks still struck with the harshness of his words. Her Finn was kind and patient. He never snapped at her._

_“Clarke, I would have thought they’d told you. When Finn hit his head it damaged his frontal and temporal lobes… The doctor said that the personality change could be temporary, but more likely permanent,” Raven isn’t sure how to explain it, not as well as the doctor had told them, but Clarke understands from her years learning from her mom._

_“It might be temporary, though? We can work with him, Ray. I can’t lose my Finn, too,” Clarke tries to persuade her best friend. Raven nods understandingly._

_“Of course, we will. We’re not giving up on him, yet.”_

_They both enter back into the room, but with all the emotional trauma from the day, Clarke soon finds Finn’s anger to be too much and excuses herself. She and Abby head back to the house and Clarke falls asleep crying._

_The next few weeks don’t get easier. Between the funeral and visiting Finn, Clarke spends every day in a state of despair. Octavia flies in for the funeral, of course, but she can’t stay long with track season here. Raven goes back to her classes after a week, but Clarke can barely leave her bed. The only exception being to go see Finn. Those visits usually end prematurely with him yelling at her to leave. The worst days are when he blames her. When instead of yelling and stares at her with resentment that the boy she loved was never able to carry. Clarke keeps trying, though. She feels like she has no choice. She loved Finn and she didn’t want to lose another person she loved. Eventually, it’s Bellamy who says something to her after another failed visit._

_“Clarke… We all care about Finn, but don’t you think it might be time to take a break? Coming here obviously destroys you and after everything I think you deserve more,” Bellamy sighs as he drives her home. All he means for this advice to do is keep her away from Finn for awhile. But that night, Clarke finds herself reaching for a bottle of wine. She’s crying and it’s there, but before she can uncork the top she drops it and falls to the ground. She sobs and stares at the red liquid that pools around her._

_The next day she buys a plane ticket._

_That night she is gone._

 


	3. coming home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only forever later, I present the last real chapter of this story. I might (hopefully maybe idk) add an epilouge, but it'll probably be awhile.

Raven is silent at first, processing the question. It’s only natural that Clarke would wonder about the man she used to love, but the engineering student still isn’t sure how to answer.  
  
“Yeah, I have. We talk a couple times a month… I saw him last in February,” Raven nods and shifts in her seat. She glances past Clarke to look at Octavia, who only shrugs, unsure how to help.  
  
“Raven, it’s okay for you to talk to him. Just because I left doesn’t mean I expected you to,” Clarke smiles and puts a hand on her friend’s knee.  
  
“I know… It just threw me for a second to hear you say his name. Um, he doesn’t blame you for leaving, by the way,” Raven adds. She’d talked to Finn about Clarke on many occasions and while at first, he was angry, eventually he came to accept that she did what was best for herself. Clarke only nods, shifting her gaze to her lap. While she doesn’t regret leaving, sometimes she still feels guilty. Guilt was one of the main barriers in the beginning of her and Lexa’s relationship.  
  
Clarke was afraid to love again, believing that everyone she loves ends up hurt. She didn’t feel worthy of such adoration, but Lexa was stubborn. It could get her in trouble some days, but Clarke was grateful for that trait.  
  
“Is he doing well?” She asks, genuinely hopeful that the answer is yes.  
  
“Yeah, he is. He went back to school the next semester. Finally decided on International Relations for his major. He never went all the way back to the Finn we knew, but he’s better now. He understands how he hurts people and tries his hardest to be good,” Raven explains. It’s obvious that she is proud of their friend and it makes Clarke wonder if she too would be proud if she had stayed.  
  
“Do you think you’ll go see him while you’re here?” Octavia asks. There’s no pressure behind the words, but Clarke still shifts in her seat. Her gaze drifts back to her wife, staring intently at the chess board. She watches as her face morphs into one of triumph when she moves a piece, obviously confident in her decision. Clarke feels a small grin of her own form just from watching Lexa smile.  
  
“I don’t know. Would he want me to?”  
  
Raven hesitates for a second before nodding.  
  
“Yeah, of course.”  
  
Clarke considers it for a moment, mimicking Raven’s nod. She does want to see Finn, but their last memories together were so tainted it’s hard for her to imagine the interaction. Eventually, she decides she will do it, but she knows she will bring Lexa with her. Clarke knows she is strong, but Lexa only adds to that feeling of strength.  
  
The friends continue watching HGTV, until Lexa and Kane’s game is over. Lexa walks over to the couch with a happy grin on her face, alerting Clarke to her obvious win. The blonde pulls on her hand till she sits in her lap. Clarke wraps her arms around her wife’s slim waist, resting her chin on her shoulder and pressing a delicate kiss to the skin under her ear.  
  
“I love you,” she whispers into the crook of her neck, making Lexa hum in delight.  
  
“I want to see the cherry blossoms,” she says finally, making Clarke laugh beneath her.  
  
“Of course, you do, ya flower nerd.”  
  
“You promised we could go,” Lexa pouts, turning her head to look down into Clarke’s eyes.  
  
“I did and I always keep my promises. Get up,” the artist pushes Lexa off her, so they can stand.  
  
“Do you guys all want to come too?” Clarke asks the room but judging by how Raven had immediately sprawled across Clarke’s previously occupied spot, she counts her friends out.  
  
“No, you girls go ahead. Take my car and we’ll meet you at the restaurant, later,” Abby suggests from her spot next to Marcus. Clarke nods and grabs the keys out of a bowl on the counter.  
  
“Okay, see you later. Love you, Mom,” Clarke leans down to kiss the top of Abby’s head. Raven and Octavia call half-hearted goodbyes from the couch as Clarke tugs Lexa out the door. Clarke drives them to the Tidal Basin, singing along to the songs on the radio. They’re quiet the whole way except Clarke’s voice. Lexa could listen to her wife sing for an eternity, although she does join in a few times to harmonize with her. Clarke grins every time, before continuing. Once parked, Clarke insists that Lexa close her eyes for the remaining walk. Lexa grumbles about it but is actually happy to play along with her wife’s antics. She can’t help her smile whenever Clarke gently tugs on her wrist or warns her about a change in the pavement. Finally, she is stopped and Clarke tangles their fingers together before breathing out,  
  
“Open them.”  
  
Lexa gasps at the sight in front of her. White and pink flowers surround the waterline, petals floating in the wind, and reflecting off the water. She’s seen pictures, but they can never do this justice.  
  
“It’s so beautiful,” Lexa whispers, stepping forwards and craning her neck up at the trees above her. Clarke beams, watching her reaction carefully. Growing up in D.C., she’s seen this many times before, but standing here with her wife makes her pause in wonder once more. She loves seeing the world as Lexa does.  
  
“It is. This is something I’ve missed,” Clarke nods, dragging her gaze away from Lexa to notice the gorgeous scene around her.  
  
“Thank you,” Lexa whispers from beside her, making Clarke look at her again. What she sees is more beautiful than any amount of flowers. Lexa is staring at her with the type of adoration she always dreamed of but forgot she deserved. She looks at her like she planted every one of these trees just for her. Clarke would if it meant Lexa never stopped looking at her like this. She steps closer to her wife, wrapping her arms around her neck to pull her in for a kiss.  
  
“I love you, Clarke. I love you for bringing me here and I love you for being brave enough to come back,” Lexa mumbles against her lips. Clarke feels a few tears escape her, but she lets them fall. These are good tears, the type that flow when Lexa’s love overwhelms her.  
  
“I love you for coming with me,” Clarke replies after pressing their lips together once more.  
  
“Always, darling, always.”  
  
The couple walks around the trail for awhile, holding hands and letting the petals rain down on them. Eventually, they get a call from Octavia saying they’re ready to go to dinner, so they head back to the car. Clarke knows how to get to Magianno’s from anywhere in town. She grew up on Italian sausage pizza and garlic knots leaving grease on her fingers that her mom would tell her to wipe off but her dad just wiggling his matching ones as he grabbed another piece. When she graduated, her dad organized a group dinner in the back room and no one mentioned the fact that she almost didn’t.  
  
When they get to the small intimate restaurant, Clarke thinks they must have beat her family there until the waiter leads them to the same backroom. He opens the door to reveal a long table covered with a white tablecloth, flowers in the middle and candles scattered everywhere. Her mom is standing there along with all her friends.  
  
“We didn’t get to come to the wedding, but I still think it’s a moment to celebrate,” Abby says with a warm smile. Clarke is taken back at the gesture. It’s the perfect scenario she imagined in her head the moment she booked their tickets. The people she loves most surrounding her and celebrating her new life.  
  
“Mom… Thank you. This is wonderful,” Clarke manages to say, still clutching onto Lexa’s hand.  
  
“I love you, sweetheart, and I’m so happy that you found Lexa. All a mother ever wants is for their daughter to be happy. That’s all I can ever hope for,” Abby says sincerely.  
  
“Okay, enough sap. I’m hungry,” Raven breaks the moment, making everyone laugh. Clarke and Lexa sit down and the family, that’s what they are, quickly falls into conversation and laughter. Lexa lets Clarke order for her, knowing whatever she gets will be amazing. The dinner is all happiness and love and when Clarke leaves the restaurant her heart feels so full. So does her stomach, but that’s a whole other thing.  
  
“I think it will be harder to leave than you imagined,” Lexa ponders aloud on the drive back. Clarke always keeps two hands on the wheel, but Lexa has a soft grip on her thigh, never able to not touch her lovely wife. Clarke tilts her head as she considers it.  
  
“Yes. It will be hard to leave them… I do miss our home, though. D.C. was mine for so long until it wasn’t. Now Portland is ours and I don’t think I could leave,” Clarke knows what she’s saying is true. Reuniting with her mom, Raven and Octavia will only make it harder to leave again but knows that Washington D.C. is no longer her home.  
  
“I miss Gus, “ Lexa says after a moment. There’s a slight pout in her voice and Clarke can’t help the giggle that escapes her. She misses the golden retriever, too.  
  
“Nothing for your sister, but you can’t wait to get back to the dog,” Clarke teases, making Lexa shrug with a slight blush.  
  
“Don’t tell, Anya,” she mumbles, but Clarke only laughs more.  
  
“It’s fine, we both know Anya would choose Gus over us anyway,” Clarke reasons as they pull into the driveway.  
  
“He’s a great dog,” Lexa says with a grin. Clarke has to nod because he is. Even if he likes Lexa more than her.  
  
“Well, I miss my studio. I haven’t gotten to paint you in days. It’s tragic,” the blonde sighs heavily. Lexa rolls her eyes, but once out of the car she widens her eyes excitedly,  
  
“You should invite them to the gallery show!”  
  
Clarke bites her lip and stops walking for a second, thinking about it. Her work was being featured in a gallery in a couple months and it would be good for everyone to see what she did now. It might be a bit much for a weekend trip, though, considering Raven and Octavia were both still in college.  
  
“Are you sure? That’d mean they’d see the Woods Series,” Clarke raises an eyebrow at her wife, who blushes remembering just what those paintings entailed. Clarke has no problem admitting that Lexa was a common muse of hers and the Woods Series featured Lexa-- focusing on her details like her eyes, but also the soft curve of her spine. The largest of the paintings had Lexa on her back, her chest exposed and her hair splayed out around her. It was beautiful and captured so much love and devotion. It wasn’t necessarily something you want your mom to see, though.  
  
“I’ll invite them, but who knows if they’ll come,” Clarke decides as they walk through the door. Lexa smiles and nods, looking at her wife. Clarke comes to a stop in the middle of the entry way, and Lexa turns her head to see what was there. Her jaw tightens as she sees Bellamy standing in the living room, looking guilty and uncomfortable.  
  
“Bellamy,” Clarke says with an eyebrow raised. Their discussion earlier did not go well.  
  
“Hey. Look, I came to apologize. I was brash this morning and reacted badly. I’m sorry, Clarke,” he says, trying to express his guilt. He didn’t mean to hurt her the way he did. That’s never what he wanted to do, but sometimes he can’t control his emotions.  
  
“I accept your apology, but I’m still upset.”  
  
“I know and I understand… I won’t bother you about, uh, that thing, again,” he scratches the back of his neck lightly and then looks at Lexa.  
  
“Lexa, would you mind speaking with me? I’ve been unfair to you, too,” he asks. Lexa starts to nod, looking at Clarke first.  
  
“I’ll go see if Raven and O want to watch Disney movies tonight,” Clarke offers, leaning in to kiss Lexa’s cheek before stepping around them both to go upstairs.  
  
“I wanted to apologize to you. I’ve been rude since the minute we met.” Lexa nods in agreement, “I made a rash judgment. A dumb one. If Clarke loves you, you must be good.”  
  
He shifts his stance and looks her in the eye,  
  
“You’re not going to hurt her, right? And I know it is not my place to ask, but I do love Clarke and she doesn’t need any more pain in her life,” He gets to the point and Lexa untenses. She’s not surprised by his question. Everyone who knows Clarke can see that she deserves to be happy.  
  
“I love her. I cannot promise you that Clarke will never hurt again, but I can promise that it will not be by my hands. Everything I do is to make her happy. To return just a fraction of the happiness that she has brought into my life is my only goal. Clarke is special and I know that,” it’s easy for Lexa to speak about Clarke. She could spin the most eloquent poems from the love she feels for her wife.  
  
“Okay. I’m sorry, again. Congrats on your wedding,” Bellamy nods.  
  
“Are you staying?” the brunette woman asks, but he shakes his head.  
  
“No, I think I’ll stay at my own place tonight. Tell them I said bye,” Bellamy starts for the door, but Lexa reaches out to stop him.  
  
“You hurt her, but she will forgive you. If you really care for, just wait,” she offers her opinion which he gives her a small smile for.  
  
“Thanks. I will.”  
  
When he leaves, Lexa follows the sound of giggling up the stairs and finds Clarke and her friends all tucked into Clarke’s childhood bed, watching Pocahontas. Lexa grins at the sight, before crawling into the empty space by her wife. Clarke snuggles into her side, the question on her tongue, but Lexa just kisses her temple and nods toward the tv. When Abby finds them the next morning, she just laughs at the pile of girl’s. Lexa had managed to wiggle her way on top of Clarke in the night, her body too light to be a bother. Raven and Octavia were spooning, yet somehow still taking up the majority of the space. She leaves them be for the time being; it was Saturday after all.  
  
They spend the day being lazy, lounging around the house. Clarke does a few sketches of her friends, trying to make up for lost time. She focuses on the happiness that flows around her, the laughs and lightness. There're card games played, beers shared, the smell of cookies in the air as Lexa helps Abby in the kitchen. It’s late afternoon when Clarke wanders into her backyard and over to the swinging bench. She sits carefully and rocks back on her heels, letting gravity carry her forward. The air is crisp under the setting sun and as the fireflies begin to sparkle, she cries. They’re slow, fat tears that stain her cheeks but make no sound. She had a perfect day with her family, but it was never complete. She’s still so young and she misses her dad. Clarke is only alone for a few minutes before the door creeps open and a body settles on the other end of the bench. She wipes her tears, looking over to see her mom. Abby is staring forward, perhaps seeing the same ghosts as Clarke does.  
  
“Some days I thought about selling the house,” she says, thoughtful and careful, “Everywhere I look I see him. It was painful to be here alone, but I could never do it. We were happy here.”  
  
Clarke scoots closer to lean her head on her mom’s shoulder,  
  
“I’m glad you didn’t.”  
  
“Me too.”  
  
They sit there together for several more minutes before Lexa pops her head out the door to let them know dinner is ready. Clarke lets Abby walk in first, stopping Lexa after the door closes to pull her in. She just wants to hold her for a moment to remind herself that the happy memories are still being made.  
  
“Come on, love,” Lexa’s lips brush against her temple and Clarke nods, untangling herself.  
  
“I wish you could have met him. He would have loved you,” Clarke sighs as they go to sit down. The light is low around the table and Raven and Octavia are already arguing over the rolls when they get there.  
  
“I feel him everywhere. He has left a mark on each of your lives,” Lexa says, making Clarke smile sadly. It is true that her dad has shaped her and everyone he met with his kind heart and strength. To this day when Clarke starts feeling down on herself, she hears his affectionate chuckle and a soft,  
  
“Chin up, kid. Everything will be okay.”  
  
Clarke turns back to the table and throws herself into the conversations; she laughs and teases her friends and hopes they pick up on all the love she is sending them. When she watches Octavia and Raven smile and laugh, she thinks they understand. The night passes by quickly despite how late the family stays up and all too soon they realize that tomorrow everyone disperses. Octavia has to get back to school and Lexa has work on Monday so their plane tickets are for the afternoon. They all fight their heavy eyelids to make the most of the remaining time, but eventually Lexa falls asleep on the couch, used to her 9-5 schedule. Clarke can’t help but watch her sleepy wife with an adoring gaze and after several warnings to her friends to shush, decides to take her upstairs. They all agree they need to go to bed and Raven and Octavia walk upstairs together with linked hands. Clarke notices, but she doesn’t say anything. She’s known that her friends have loved each other for years now, so she’s not surprised if they finally stepped up.  
  
Clarke brushes a few strands of hair out of Lexa’s face and leans forward to kiss her forehead. As she pulls back she softly calls her name,  
  
“Lex, let’s go to bed.”  
  
Her wife’s response is a grumble and to tug her closer into her arms,  
  
“Sleep here,” she sighs into the crook of Clarke’s neck, but the blonde just shakes her head and bites her lip to not laugh.  
  
“Come on, babe. The bed will be comfier and easier to cuddle on,” she feels Lexa huff out a breath but when she pulls away she sees sea green eyes blinking open.  
  
“You know if we were home I’d just pick you up, but sadly there are stairs, so you need to walk,” Clarke teases and stands, helping her wife up. Lexa stumbles to her feet and immediately wraps her arms around Clarke and tucks her head into her shoulder, laying a soft kiss on the skin above her collarbone.  
  
“Okay… I’m ready,” she steps out of the embrace and lets Clarke tug her up the stairs and to her childhood room. Clarke sits her on the edge of the bed and grabs a t-shirt from their bag and moves to stand in front of the brunette, whose eyes are already drooping again.  
  
“Up,” she asks and pulls on the bottom of the sweater Lexa has on so she’ll lift her arms. Once the sweater is off, she trails her hands down soft, yet strong shoulders and traces the line of beautiful collarbones. Lexa’s leans forward to rest her head on Clarke’s middle as gentle hands reach behind her back to unlatch her lace bra and push it off her shoulders. Now bare from the waist up, Lexa wraps her arms around her wife and holds her there. She feels fingers run through her hair and tangle in the baby hairs at the back of her neck and another hand trace up and down her spine. Clarke loves her wife like this, completely relaxed and trusting. She knows that few people have ever seen her like this and holds that knowledge close to her heart.  
  
“You’re lovely,” she whispers because that’s how you speak in the dark with the one you love. She feels a hum vibrate through Lexa’s chest, before she lets her go and grabs the shirt she picked out and tugs it over unruly curls. Next, she kneels down to drag the gray joggers Lexa wore all day down, knowing she can’t sleep in pants.  
  
Clarke folds the clothes and places them by their bags. When she turns back, Lexa is laying on her side, watching her. She grins at her wife and changes into her own pajamas before walking back over to the bed and crawling in behind her. She pulls Lexa into her and grabs her hand, placing a tender kiss on her shoulder.  
  
“Sleep now, love,” she sighs and closes her eyes as she feels Lexa’s breath even out.  
  
************

The morning comes too soon and both women groan when the alarm goes off to tell them to wake up. Light is already flooding into the room as Lexa reaches to turn off the incessant beeping and Clarke pulls the covers over her head. As soon as the sound stops, Lexa collapses back into the bed and rubs her eyes while a yawn escapes her. She glances at the mess of blonde hair that peeks out of the edge of the covers and chuckles softly, tugging at the blanket to reveal her wife’s face.  
  
“Nooo,” Clarke pouts but allows Lexa to lean forward and peck her lips.  
  
“Come on. We have to get packed, so we can spend our last couple of hours with your family.”  
  
“Or you could pack and I could sleep?” Clarke asks with a hopeful lilt, her puppy dog eyes on high.  
  
Lexa sighs and shakes her head with a small smile,  
  
“Okay, I’ll pack. Only cause you look very cute wrapped up right now.”  
  
Clarke smiles and purses her lips, so her wife will lean down again for another kiss. It lasts a little longer than the first before Lexa pulls back to get up and pack.  
Despite her grumbling, Clarke doesn’t actually fall back asleep, instead opting to watch her love get ready for the day and start to pack. She’s memorized Lexa’s morning routine as if it was her own and her eyes follow every trained movement, focusing on her wife’s elegant hands as they cup under a running faucet and her wild hair as she pulls it into a bun. Once she comes out of the bathroom and starts to fold clothes, Clarke speaks up,  
  
“Hey…” She calls softly, knowing Lexa can hear her.  
  
“Yes, love?”  
  
“I was thinking, um, that maybe we could visit Finn. Before we leave… We don’t have to if that makes you uncomfortable, it was just a thought,” Clarke trails off, hoping she made the suggestion sound casual, but knowing the brunette will probably see straight through her. Lexa stands and walks over to the bed, sitting beside Clarke and running a hand through the blonde hair she loves so much,  
  
“If you would like to, I will certainly go with you, Clarke. I know how important Finn was to you and it makes sense to see him before you leave. Are you sure you want me to come to?”  
  
“Yes. I don’t think I could do it without you,” Clarke admits, reaching up to take the hand that’s still by her face.  
  
“Then you should probably get up, so we have time to do everything,” Lexa teases, pulling at the covers once more and lightening up the mood. Clarke rolls her eyes but sits up anyway.  
  
“I’ll finish packing, you go get dressed,” Lexa suggests and starts back over to their suitcase.

After packing, they eat breakfast with everyone, Marcus and Bellamy having come back to say goodbye. Octavia and Raven bring Clarke into a group hug that forces the air out of her lungs, but she doesn’t mind, enjoying their closeness one more time. Bellamy gives her an awkward, yet heartfelt goodbye, too. Her mom is the last stop and Clarke can’t help but notice the tears in her eyes as she kisses the side of her head.  
  
“It isn’t going to be like last time, Mom. I promise I’ll call and text and send pictures of my place and of Gus and maybe you can come visit? I have a gallery show in a couple months that I’d love for you and Marcus to come to,” Clarke assures her.  
  
“That sounds like a great idea. I’m so glad you came back, honey, even if it was just a short visit. Text me when you land,” Abby squeezes her hand one more time then steps back to address Lexa,  
  
“It was lovely to meet you, Lexa. You’re always welcome back here”  
  
“Thank you, Abby. It was nice to finally meet you, too. I hope you to see you again soon,” Lexa nods.  
  
They get in the car and wave goodbye to everyone as they pull out and head toward their next destination.  
  
**********

Raven had called to make sure he was home before she gave Clarke the address of his apartment. She didn’t say that it was because Clarke was going to visit him; she wasn’t sure how he would react.  
  
Clarke sits in the car and stares up at the door. Lexa is quiet, giving her time to prepare. Finally, Clarke nods and reaches for the door handle.  
  
“You sure you want me to come with you?” Lexa asks as they get out of the car they borrowed from Abby. Marcus was supposed to bring her to the airport to pick it up afterward.  
  
“I’m sure.” Clarke nods her head and reaches to grab her wife’s hand and squeeze. She’s nervous to see him. She loved him at one point. Sure, it was young love, but she still felt it. It was real. She knows that what she feels for Lexa is far more, though, and that’s why she needs her by her side.  
  
“Whenever you’re ready,” Lexa says and then Clarke nods, starting towards the door. The ride up the elevator is quiet, but not uncomfortable. It’s never uncomfortable for them. Clarke spends most of the time twisting her ring and chewing her lip until Lexa bumps her shoulder and gives her a small smile. The elevator dings and the doors slide open. They walk side-by-side till they find the apartment number Raven gave them and then Clarke sighs. She knocks on the door a couple times. They wait only a few seconds before a voice is heard,  
  
“Coming, Raven!” It’s clear that Finn took the latina girl’s question as her asking to come over. Lexa feels Clarke’s breath falter at the sound, but before she can do anything the door flings open.  
  
“Hey--” Finn’s smile falters when he realizes that it’s not Raven. It’s quiet for a moment before Clarke remembers to speak,  
  
“Hi, Finn…” She tries a half-smile, but Lexa can tell she’s panicking.  
  
“Clarke… Wow, um, come in,” Finn backs up, letting the two women enter. They stand in the entry way awkwardly, until Finn waves them over to his living room.  
  
“Hi. I’m sorry to spring this on you,” Clarke starts, but Finn shakes his head quickly.  
  
“It’s alright. How are you?” He’s trying, even though it’s clear this has put him in a kind of shock.  
  
“I’m good, Finn. I’m just finishing up a visit. How are you?” Clarke’s voice is gentle but nervous as she waits for his answer.  
  
“I’m good, too,” he says and then glances at Lexa who is watching the scene unfold.  
  
“Oh, this is Lexa…” Clarke introduces and as always can’t help the smile that comes with saying her wife’s name. Lexa smiles back gently, before turning to look at Finn again.  
  
“Nice to meet you, Lexa. I’m Finn. And you’re…” Finn looks between the two. Clarke notices and twists her ring again,  
  
“My wife.”  
  
Finn’s eyebrows raise up and his eyes widen at the news, but then he smiles.  
  
“Wow, okay. Congrats,” he says, his voice sounding genuine.  
  
“Thank you. It’s nice to meet you, too,” Lexa finally speaks up. Clarke reaches over to grab her hand and squeeze it.  
  
“So married, huh? How long?” He asks, and Lexa stiffens. The question might be innocent, but it could also hold some suspicion or jealousy.  
  
“Almost four months. We got married on November 21st. I guess it was kinda fast, but I was very sure she was the one,” Clarke smiles, then quickly looks back to Finn, afraid she’d said too much, but he doesn’t look angry. There’s only a slight amount of sadness that passes over his features before he smiles again.  
  
“That’s great, Clarke. Besides, you always knew what you wanted,” he shrugs and Clarke chuckles in agreement.  
  
“So what have you been up to? How’s school? Raven told me you choose a major,” Clarke steers the conversation back to him.  
  
“Yeah! International Relations. I’m hoping to get an internship in Belgium this summer,” Finn smiles.  
  
“That’s awesome! You always wanted to travel abroad,” Clarke says genuinely. It’s good to see him living life fully.  
  
“What are you doing? And you, Lexa?” He includes Lexa back into the conversation.  
  
“I’m focusing on my art right now, while Lexa is my bread maker,” Clarke teases her wife, but also showing her pride in how she stares at Lexa.  
  
“I’m a co-owner of a social company that sells organic material to larger companies, it’s called Aware Material. My friend and I started it will seniors in college.  
  
“Oh, so you graduated? From where?” Finn asks with interest.  
  
“A small liberal arts school in Portland, Reed College,” Lexa explains, knowing most people have never heard of Reed.  
  
Clarke realizes that Finn doesn’t know she lives in Oregon now, so she pipes in,  
  
“That’s actually where we live.”  
  
“Portland? Wow, that’s far. Have you been there since…” Finn trails off, not sure if he’s supposed to bring up her past.  
  
“Yeah. Far was kinda the point at the time and now it’s home,” Clarke answers anyway, being completely honest.  
  
They only stay ten minutes after that, when Lexa points out that they need to leave to get to the airport.  
  
The goodbyes are quick but sincere, and then Clarke and Lexa are off again.  
  
**********

Lexa shifts in her airplane seat and then pushes the middle arm rest up, knowing Clarke will want to lean against her to nap.  
  
“How are you feeling?” She asks, looking at her wife who is staring at the shrinking D.C. skyline.  
  
“I don’t know. Weird. It was a good trip, better than I could have imagined.”  
  
“But?” Lexa senses the hesitance in Clarke’s voice and urges her on. They share everything.  
  
Clarke sighs and slides the visor down. Her mind is jumbled right now and she aches for a blank canvas. That always helps her get clarity, although so does simply talking to her wife.  
  
“That city is haunted, yet it’s where I grew up. For every terrible memory, there're a hundred great ones. I thought it would feel like coming home, or like a nightmare, but it was neither. It’s just a city, full of people I love and abandoned. I don’t think it is home. I don’t think anywhere is. Home is your hand in mine,” Clarke tries to explain everything that she’s feeling, but it sounds like nonsense now. Despite that, Lexa nods in understanding.  
  
“Home is a kiss on the cheek, a slow dance to silence, a glimmer in your eyes,” Lexa recites quietly, a small piece of the vows she swore months before. Clarke leans her head on her wife’s shoulder and hums in agreement.  
  
“Lex, you remember the night we met?” She asks, fiddling with the brunette’s fingers.  
  
“Of course, babe.”  
  
“Tell me about it,” Clarke requests, closing her eyes and letting herself relax completely.  
  
“It was after midnight and I was driving home when suddenly I had to break….”  
  
Lexa tells the story they both knew so well, the story that changed their lives and started everything.

 

_Lexa didn’t have the best track record when it came to people. It’s not that she didn’t try- Anya would argue she tried too hard- but that she just didn’t usually understand them. Lexa saw the world in black and white. Which is why Clarke is such an anomoly, because when Lexa sees her, she is all color. Somedays she is vibrant red, pulling Lexa into adventures, and others she is melancholy blue, crying in the bathtub. She paints Lexa’s world in a rainbow of color, emotion, and passion, until there are only spots of black and white left.  
  
Thinking about the day they met, Lexa’s first impression is always electric blue.  
  
“Oh my gosh! I’m so sorry! I swear I didn’t see you. Not like you thought I was purposefully trying to run you over, but I really wasn’t. Are you okay?” Lexa stumbles through her words, her car door hanging open in the background. The girl in front of her is probably only 19 or 20, young, but she doesn’t seem like it when she brushes off her jeans and checks over her phone, before turning to address the apologizing woman.  
  
“Hey, no problem. I was being dumb, completely my fault,” she shrugs and tucks her iphone, dead, into her pocket. It was dead more often than it was not, and even when there was a charge, Clarke rarely used it. Mostly it just filled up with questions that she doesn’t feel like answering, yet, or possibly ever. She hasn’t decided.  
  
“I still almost hit you with my car! That’s totally unacceptable,” Lexa shakes her head and runs a hand over from her forehead to the bun that’s keeping her hair at bay. Now that she can see that the blonde woman is okay, she stops and really looks at her. She has bright blue eyes, pale skin, and an easy posture. She’s lovely, even under a dingy street light with dirt on her hands and dark circles under her eyes.  
  
“Hi. I’m Clarke and I promise you almost hitting me with your car doesn’t even reach the top ten of inconvenient things to happen to me this week,” her tone is light, even if it doesn’t quite reach her eyes and when she sticks out her hand, Lexa takes it, dirt or not.  
  
“I’m Lexa and I’m still sorry. I know it’s like one at night, but let me buy you a meal. It’s the least I can do to ease your eleventh worse incident this week,” the offer is out of her mouth before Lexa can even consider how strange it might be to offer to a stranger, but the girl in front of her looks like she could use a good meal and Lexa does feel bad. It has nothing to do with Clarke’s smile, or how Lexa can’t stop staring at her eyes.  
  
“Usually, I would say no, but you’re cute and I’m hungry, so why not,” Clarke grins, and bites back a smirk when she sees the brunette blush.  
  
“There’s a Denny’s about a block from here. It’s not fine dining, but it’s open,” Lexa suggests as they walk back to her car.  
  
“I could totally go for a Grand Slam, right now,” Clarke agrees with a slight nod. She pauses as her hand hovers over the door handle, considering every lesson of stranger danger her mom used to teach her, but Lexa looks genuine in her offer and Clarke likes to believe in the goodness of people. She has to, considering she impromptu moved across the country with no prospects of a job or a place to live. It’s been three months and now she’s a waiter and subleasing from a sweet guy named Monty.  
  
Lexa hears all about Monty and her weird coworkers while Clarke puts down an entire Grand Slam, like she hasn’t eaten in days. Lexa thinks that maybe she hasn’t, but she doesn’t know why that would be the case. She tries to ignore the urge to tell Clarke to get more to take with her and definitely ignores the part of her that wants to trace the thin blue veins on her wrists. Lexa pays the poor woman stuck on the graveyard shift with a generous tip and ushers Clarke back to her car, insisting on taking her home.  
  
Clarke directs her back to a part of town that is in the middle of a transition, half run down houses and half highrise apartments. Lexa parks her car outside the gate of one of these apartment buildings and shifts in her seat, suddenly unwilling to let this beautiful woman slip away. Clarke just smiles though, leaning in to kiss her cheek and thanking her. Lexa watches the younger woman until she’s safely behind closed doors and then she sighs, heading back to her own apartment across the city. It’s late when she reaches home, so she quickly gets ready for bed, knowing she’d hate herself in the morning when Anya called to make sure she was ready for their meeting. She can’t bring herself to regret it, though.  
  
The next morning, she’s barely out the door on time, her coffee the only thing keeping her going until she sees the napkin on the passenger side dash. She carefully picks it up, tracing the ten digits there followed by a lovely cursive ‘Clarke’. She doesn’t let herself text the number until after her meeting is over. She types out and deletes the message, multiple times before settling on a simple,  
  
“Hi, Clarke. It’s Lexa… Would you like to get coffee sometime?”  
  
It’s only a couple minutes later when her phone lights up again with a reply,  
  
“Hey, Lexa!! I was starting to think you weren’t going to use my number. I’d love to get coffee(:”  
  
If Anya notices the pink in her cheeks the rest of the day, she doesn’t say anything.  
  
The next couple of times she sees Clarke are lavender. Light and beautiful like Clarke herself. They get coffee, or wander the outdoor market, or sit in the park. Lexa quickly learns that Clarke prefers to be outdoors than trapped inside, so she always asks for the outside seating at lunch and lets Clarke drag her to new parks she wants to explore. Being with Clarke is like rediscovering the magic of Portland- the magic of life- and Lexa adores every minute of it.  
  
They’re sitting on Lexa’s couch, watching a documentary, the first time things become grey. She didn’t mean for this question to hit as hard as it does. She is curious, like only Clarke can make her, about why she ended up in Portland. Clarke flinches when the simple question tumbles out of Lexa’s mouth, like the words sting her skin. She quickly sighs, letting herself untense before turning to look at Lexa,  
  
“I didn’t come to Portland. I left D.C. because I was weak.”  
  
Lexa’s mouth opens to protest, because the Clarke Griffin she has come to know is so strong. She never hesitates, she knows what she wants, and she is fierce in the very way she lives. But she doesn’t say any of these things, because in that moment Clarke looks every bit like the nineteen year-old she is. Her eyes are glistening as she waits for Lexa to respond, but she doesn’t know how to react when the brunette just holds her wrist and sighs,  
  
“You are wonderful.”  
  
Clarke doesn’t say anything when she falls into Lexa’s arms and buries herself in the soft cotton of her t-shirt. Lexa holds her like the precious thing she is, softly and with quiet words. Clarke falls asleep on her couch, wrapped in everything Lexa. The older woman doesn’t mind, instead lets herself follow Clarke, falling asleep to the feel of puffs of breathe against her neck and blonde hair tickling her nose.  
  
The next morning, Clarke leaves without saying anything, but Lexa still gets a text later that day.  
  
“Thank you, Lex. Dinner tonight @7??”  
  
Lexa does her best to notice everything now. She sees when a certain song makes Clarke quiet or when a day goes by without a word from the young woman. In those moments, Lexa aches to cover her and carry all the weight that makes Clarke so small. Some days, Clarke lets her, but most of the time she withdraws. It infuriates Lexa, but she never pushes. She knows that Clarke has lost more than most girls her age. She also knows that she kicked alcoholism at only 18. She takes every puzzle piece as they come and tucks them in next to her heart.  
  
One night when it gets too late for Lexa to drive her back to her own apartment, they fall asleep a few inches apart on her bed. It’s early when Lexa wakes to small noises come from Clarke. They’ve only gotten closer during the night, but now Clarke tosses around restlessly. The look on her face is one Lexa has seen before, multiplied over. She doesn’t know what to do when Clarke cries out,  
  
“No!” And “Please, not again”  
  
Lexa reaches out and brushes her thumb across the lines on Clarke’s forehead, smoothing them out. She starts to speak little afirmations that she hopes the blonde can hear. Slowly, Clarke’s eyes open and the tears stop flowing. Lexa wants to hold her, but Clarke shoots up.  
  
“I’m sorry. I should leave,” the younger woman begins, grabbing her jeans from the dresser and scrambling out of the room. Lexa follows right behind her though,  
  
“Wait, Clarke. Where are you going? It’s okay!”  
  
Clarke stops in her tracks, her hand on the doorknob.  
  
“Lexa. It’s not okay. You don’t know what I’ve caused. You don’t understand who I am. I need to leave. We need to stop, before I hurt you too,” Clarke’s voice cracks when she tries to explain. Her grip never loosens on the door as Lexa walks closer, eyebrows furrowed in pain and confusion.  
  
“You don’t get to decide that. You don’t get to just walk away, not from me.”  
  
“I’m trying to save you! You don’t see it, but I can only cause destruction,” Clarke yells, the tears returning. She sees the way Lexa flinches and hopes that is enough to get through to her. She opens the door, ready to run again.  
  
“That’s where you’re wrong. I see you, Clarke, like I’ve never bothered to see anyone else. I don’t care about whatever it is you’re running from! I just hoped...” Lexa trails off, but Clarke looks up,  
  
“Hoped what?”  
  
“I hoped that maybe I could be the place you stopped,” Lexa shakes her head, because she knows that it was naive. She knows that the things that haunt Clarke won’t stop just because Lexa believes she doesn’t deserve them. Her eyes are on the ground, trying to hold back the tears when she hears the door shut. She feels midnight blue with no trace of stars. She sniffs once, afraid she’s lost Clarke, before a hand comes to rest on her cheek. Lexa looks up, shocked to see the broken woman standing in front of her.  
  
“I would like that,” Clarke says as she wipes at a loose tear with her thumb. She steps forward, leaning in to rest her forehead against Lexa’s and closing her eyes. They stand there for a few long seconds, neither willing to break this fragile peace, until Clarke angles her head again and leans in to ghost her lips across Lexa’s. The older woman gasps softly, before lightly pushing in to fully capture Clarke’s lips in her own. It’s salty and sad and yet, there’s hope in it. Hope that maybe Clarke could take a break and hope that Lexa could let someone else hold her heart. They kiss slowly, but with force. All push and pull with hands tugging closer or getting lost in soft hair. Eventually, they pull back to breath and search the other’s eyes for any hint of regret. When none is found, Lexa speaks up,  
  
“I know that nothing I say or do will erase your past. I know that I can never replace what you’ve lost. All I want is for you to feel safe here. I’ll be your rest if you need it. You just have to stop running.”  
  
When Clarke cries then, for the first time it is not for Wells, her dad or Finn, she cries for the beautiful woman in front of her and for the future she is offering. She cries in relief. Lexa wipes away every tear and kisses away every remaining doubt. Clarke makes her feel daisy yellow and ready to bloom.  
  
That night Clarke tells her the whole story and lets Lexa hold each of her tragedy’s with care. The next week Finn and her mom call on the same day and when she can’t bear to answer the phone, Lexa turns it off. Two months later, Lexa invites her to move in to her apartment and dedicates the old office to a studio for Clarke to paint all the colors she makes her feel.  
  
A year later they are both dressed in white, but Lexa feels like she is painted sky blue, the color of her eyes, cupid pink, the color of her lips, and sunny yellow, how happy she makes her feel. Clarke Griffin utterly destroyed her black and white world, yet Lexa can’t find a second to complain._

__

**Author's Note:**

> Each chapter will be one-half present time and one-half flashback. Flashback will always be italicized. I'm pretty much done with this already, so I'll post once a week.
> 
> Come visit me at notagirlastorm.tumblr.com if you have any questions, want some of my headcanons, or anything!


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